impermanence

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes.
Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow.
Let things flow naturally forward
in whatever way they like.
-- Lao Tse

All things are in the act of change;
thou thyself in ceaseless transformation
and partial decay and
the whole universe with thee.
-- Marcus A. Antonius

I remember the day I realized this is what they were trying to teach me at the nearly-silent meditation retreat. I packed my bags and walked towards my car. The one thing I had not come there to hear was that I could not make it better. I did not want to know that I had no control over the world or my life.

I got to my car and almost had cell reception.

I think I cried.

I had been training for a half marathon as well as going to daily mediation something like six times a day -- as well as engaging in the exercises that allowed (required) me to speak but didn't allow me to talk for three or four days... and NOW they were telling me that I couldn't fix this... this life.

Since I was 15, or maybe earlier, all I knew is that there was only one sure way to end the pain, but it was against all the laws -- mine, theirs and god's. Sometimes it involved a razor blade and others it was more about swerving my car into oncoming traffic.

At key points in my life, starting when I was 15, people (some would call them angels) visited my path and steered me away from the darkest path. But they could not put me on a lighter path, they could only keep me from doing the thing that could not be undone.

Finding the path with the light was my job.

I didn't know how to do it; so instead, I endured the pain... and I thought that was all there was to life.

I went back to my room at the meditation center that afternoon. I think I cried some more. I went to more meditation -- and I learned to deal with the present. It isn't easy. I am a planner. But, I am learning how to make plans that can bend with the reality of the present.

What I know for sure is that when things get bad, I know that it won't last. I know that a new experience is around the corner. I know that life continues though pain may not. It means that, now, when times get difficult that I can face them with the strength and knowledge that none of this lasts forever. It may not seem like a huge consolation, but to me it is.Life is beautiful even when it is painful.

Every day brings the opportunity for a new experience.

Today, I got my first response from a graduate school. It was a rejection.

Tonight, I toasted to the fact that I only got one rejection today.

Life goes on, and next week, I may have to create a plan Z for my life, but it will go on...

blessed be.