Sunday, September 30, 2007

The Run

Where should I start?



The truth is this was the most challenging course and I knew it would be. Or rather I imagined it wold be. The 12K on Mt. Tam was a little bit of a wake up call to the REALity of just how challenging climbing 1200 feet in a few miles could be, but not enough.



I did not train as well as I should have, as well as I could have.



I struggled in the 12K and made it in dead last, but still running at the finish line. I could have gotten serious then about training, but I survived so I didn't muster the determination to full out train. I did better than I had been, but still not enough.



I didn't think about the fact that THE RUN would actually be not the double of Mt. Tam but TRIPLE. I somehow erased from my thinking that I would climb 1200 feet or so 3 times, never mind the 3 descents which my Mt. Tam experience had also taught me to dread.



So, it was difficult. It was hellish. It seemed neverending. But I did it. I survived. I finished. I conquered all three hills even if it was not at my best.



And it was beautiful -- breathtaking views of the California coast that even my sister said it was more beautiful than our coastline (we grew up near the most beautiful and filmed coastline of Malibu and it is gorgeous as well as holding a special place in the hearts of our family). I did stop to enjoy the views and sketch my aching muscles and cath my breath.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

The Economic Consequences of Hate and Selfishness?

Yeah... so, sometimes karma comes and bites you on the butt.

Watch out...

This is a cautionary tale, and a little vindication for my opinions.

Happy reading.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Must See Film

I just watched the documentary Made in LA on PBS's P.O.V. (one of my favorite shows ever).

I think it speaks best for itself...so you should watch it. Check your local listings...it should be on your local PBS station.

I had the opportunity to go see it in San Francisco this evening and even meet the filmmakers, but I had to work late. Luckily I taped it.

I wish I could have been there, though, to feel the energy in the air. To participate and hear the audience participation. To feel shock, the horror, the pride and the strength.

Instead, I cried silently with the women, felt proud of their determination, felt the pain in my heart when they were frustrated, and ultimately felt relieved when their hard work was rewarded, even if in a small way.

It's important to know that we are all a part of this crazy mess. It's not poor people in some backward country sewing your clothes and they should be happy for the job and the money. It's poor people in this country, your country. You know, the one that you want to send your kids to other countries to fight for...

Exploitation should not be the American way.

It is hardly the legacy I would want my children to have.


Oh...and as a special treat, at the end of the film, there are two shorts. The second a film called Bullet Proof Vest by May Lin Au Yong lets two young siblings from Richmond, CA speak eloquently about why they cannot play outside. You can watch it here; it's only five minutes long, so take break and check it out.

Extremely powerful.

I love PBS... who needs cable?
;)

Saturday, September 01, 2007

On why I would like to work at Google...

This little story is just another example of why it might be fun to work at Google.

You can check out the gallery of dignitaries photographed with "the guy from Google."

Not afraid of hard work, I am not turned off by the potential long days (and nights) of work, but I just can't get them to look at my resume.

I swear there must be a job for me there!

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Why Guilani Is NOT Some Benign Republican

I know that there are those of you out there thinking, well Guiliani is not as bad as those fundamentalist Republicans. Well, please, think carefully about this.

If it is not enough to know the callous way that the public servants who worked at ground zero were treated and continue to be treated at Guilani's direction, then consider this documentary: Every Mother's Son.

It details the way that Guiliani's get tough on crime initiatives TERRORIZED the citizens of New York City.

This is exactly what we have to look forward to as citizens of this country and the world with a person like Guiliani as president.

You thought Bush was bad, well, this is like having Cheney as president.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

The Kind of Spunk I Like...

and can get you in trouble.

Reggie has a brand new home in a lovely, rather expensive area of town, and yet, he would rather be FREE.

These are the latest escapades of the wild gator, Reggie.

Luckily, his handlers are philosophical about the whole thing; they understand his waywards ways:
"It proves to us that he's a very smart, healthy gator," Jason Jacobs, zoo
spokesperson said.

"...maybe he was heading back to Harbor City," said City Councilperson Janice Hahn. "We all know that Reggie is a very smart and elusive gator," she said. "It took us almost two years to catch him and I would expect nothing less than at least one escape attempt from him."

Reminds me of my uncle's cow who kept escaping and trying to get back to Buellton. But that's a whole other story.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Hate Did Not Win Today

You can read this one on your own... the brief: Hazelton, PA's anti-immigrant law was struck down.

I hope their mayor does appeal it as far as he can, so it can go in the law school books under this title:
THIS IS WHAT HATE LOOKS LIKE...
or maybe:
CLASSIC SCAPEGOATING

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Worth a Read...trust me

I would just give you the link and urge you to go there, but it's a NY Times Select Article, so if you aren't a subscriber, you can't see it (unless you pay, of course). Check out the quote about Condi; if she was scary before, this is slasher movie scary...

I also know that this hardly counts as MY POST when all I am doing is passing it along, but indulge and forgive me. I am still recovering from hectic two job weeks...

A Crack in Team Bush
By JUDITH WARNER
Published: July 21, 2007

It was a shock to see Defense Secretary Robert Gates battling tears Wednesday evening as he spoke about Maj. Douglas Zembiec, a Marine and father of a 1-year-old daughter, who was killed in May after requesting a second tour of duty in Iraq.

Shocking and yet somehow profoundly validating and cathartic.

Choking, pausing, visibly suffering and clearly fighting off an onslaught of unwelcome emotion as he addressed the Marine Corps Association’s annual dinner, Gates seemed, for a moment, to tap into national sentiment in a way that the Bush team has never before done.

Sure, they tapped into our anger, fear and hatred in the days and months after 9/11. Sure, their swagger stoked our desires for vengeance and soothed some of the terror that took up residence in our guts in the weeks following the attacks.

But here was something new: an acknowledgment, however unbidden, of the complex range of negative emotions — sadness and frustration and, yes, I think, guilt — that’s now weighing upon the nation’s soul after four disastrous years in Iraq.

We’d never seen anything like it in the “Henny Penny” brush-offs of Gates’s predecessor, Donald Rumsfeld. We probably never will discern any inkling of it in Condoleezza Rice’s robotic equanimity. President Bush is known to meet privately with wounded soldiers and families of the fallen and is said, at those times, to become emotional, but little of that softness seeps into his often cocky — and defensive — public demeanor.

It’s hard to imagine much sympathy emanating from a man who admits to no soul-searching on Iraq, who vacationed through the panic and devastation of Hurricane Katrina and who recently shrugged off the issue of health care reform with the line, “I mean, people have access to health care in America. After all, you just go to an emergency room.”

Rice, I read in the recent biography, “Twice as Good,” is so incapable of empathy that, in her late teens, and after years of assiduous and ambitious practice, she was forced to give up her dreams of becoming a concert pianist because her teacher felt she didn’t have the “interest or inclination” to “make someone else’s thoughts and emotions [her] own.”

We’ve all seen by now where such emotional sterility, coupled with a ferocious attachment to ideology, leads. And I think, as a nation — as Gates just did so publicly — we’re starting to show cracks from the strain.

I kept waiting yesterday for signs that, after his almost tearful performance, Gates would be labeled a “nut” or a “wimp” or some kind of national disgrace.
They didn’t come.

Instead, on a discussion board at Military.com, an online organization for active members of the military and veterans, I found Gates referred to as “a man of honor and integrity” by a former Marine Corps officer, who admitted that he himself, hearing Zembiec’s story, had broken down and cried, for the first time, before his 9- and 11-year-old children.

“He is obviously a man who tries his best to serve his country as best he possibly can, and he isn’t afraid to show his emotions,” wrote another poster.

Another wrote of being moved to tears nightly by the evening news: “I ache when I think of America’s sons and daughters being killed in a distant land. I am so relieved that Robert Gates is the decent, caring man he is proving to be.”
I pictured Vice President Dick Cheney miming, “Gag me,” and Rumsfeld swaying with the motions of playing an imaginary violin. And I thought: how wonderful it is that someone, on high, has had the strength to own the pain that’s been caused by our disastrous course in Iraq. One has to wonder, of course, what public opinion would have been if the first cabinet official to lose it — just a bit — had been not the stoic bureaucrat Gates but instead our female secretary of state. Had it been Rice up on that podium, and were she constitutionally capable of that degree of non-Bush-centered feeling, would she have been denounced? Would she have been belittled, punished politically, dismissed as too irrational and emotional — too girly — to deal with the ugly realities of war?

We’ll never know, because she — like all powerful women in politics — will never let us find out. They can’t afford to. Not unless much more of official Washington decides it’s man enough to truly feel our nation’s inner disarray.

Judith Warner is the author of “Perfect Madness” and a contributing columnist for TimesSelect. She is a guest Op-Ed columnist.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Read about a hands-on civics lesson... AND VOTE!

NYTIMES: CITYWIDE; Raising Young Voices for Illegal Mexican Immigrants
By DAVID GONZALEZ

Who knew a civics lesson awaited every time Daisy and Moises Mendoza looked around their neighborhood in East Harlem? Their parents came to New York from Mexico and raised them the hard way, earning pennies at a time handing out fliers on street corners and selling shaved ice snacks in parks. Other teenagers gave up on school to deliver food or bake pizzas. Their neighbors often slipped into the dreary low-profile routine of the illegal immigrant, sweating in gardens or construction sites and not complaining.

''Supposedly, they can't be heard,'' Daisy said.

That is where the civics lesson kicked in. Lucky enough to be born in New York, Daisy and Moises are citizens, for whom voting and civic participation are a birthright and duty. They grew up as pint-size bilingual guides helping their parents understand what was happening at school meetings and visits to the doctor's office. They are active in a youth group at Esperanza del Barrio, a local advocacy group that started out helping street vendors. And while they have to wait to cast their first ballots -- Daisy is 17 and Moises 15 -- they already feel a special responsibility to help their neighbors.

''We have more rights and they don't,'' Daisy said. ''We're legal and they're not.''
Her brother, a spiky-haired laid-back sort, finished her thought.

''They need somebody to have a voice for them,'' Moises said. ''That's our job to do.''
With Washington having failed to pass an immigration overhaul, advocates are increasingly turning to immigrants' children as allies in their political efforts. Many young people raised in this country know their way around a system that sometimes baffles their parents. Those who are citizens can speak out for those who have yet to get their papers. And they can vote.
Robert C. Smith, a professor of public affairs at Baruch College who has extensively studied New York's Mexican population, estimated that the city's half-million Mexicans could have as many as 150,000 children born in the United States. Another big chunk of children came to New York in the early 1990s, when they were reunited with parents who benefited from a 1986 amnesty law that made them legal residents, allowed them to bring their children here and put them on the path to citizenship. And many more are on the way right here, thanks to a rising birthrate.
''We're beginning to see people coming of voting age,'' Dr. Smith said. ''Already Mexicans have surpassed Dominicans in terms of birth. For the next 20 years, Mexicans have the tremendous potential to become a political force.''

The image of the Mexican community for years was one of an illegal and politically apathetic group. But in recent years there have been signs that the younger generation is willing to speak out, starting with issues that most directly affect it, especially education.

In 2002, immigrants successfully pushed for the City University system to preserve in-state tuition rates for students here illegally. Currently, they are seeking to keep alive the Dream Act, federal legislation that proposes to offer tuition help and a path to citizenship to immigrant high school graduates.

Marisol Ramos was born in New York 23 years ago to parents who were here illegally at the time. Her mother worked as a seamstress, but lost her job after production shifted to Mexico. Her father has worked for 30 years as a cook at a restaurant on City Island. They benefited from the 1986 amnesty. When they finally became citizens a few years ago, Ms. Ramos tutored them in American history.

''I was the first in my family to go to college,'' she said. ''I became politically aware and I tried to pass it along to my family members.''

She is now trying to help other immigrant children go to college, working with a coalition that is seeking passage of the Dream Act. Next month, she said, the group plans to start a voter registration drive focusing on the children of immigrants. It is a first step toward nudging them into civic engagement, she said, rather than being complacent as citizens.

''There is ambivalence,'' said Ms. Ramos, who is applying to law school. ''So many second-generation youth can be allies to the undocumented but are not. And they are not voting, so their voice is nonexistent, when it should be there.''

Advocates at groups working with the city's Mexican immigrants said politicians had become more responsive to their concerns. Some said they were ignored or even rebuffed in earlier attempts to meet with officeholders.

''The undocumented are phantoms who are not here legally, so they do not exist,'' said Dr. Gabriel Rincón, a dentist in Sunset Park, Brooklyn, and founder of the advocacy group Mixteca Organization. ''Politicians did not see any benefit because these people do not vote. So we need to get people registered or else the politicians will never listen.''

Joel Magallan spent much of last year reminding local politicians that the children of the immigrants who come to him for help are all potential voters. Mr. Magallan is the executive director of Asociación Tepeyac de New York, an education and advocacy group he founded 10 years ago. When he started the group, his focus was on religious and cultural events that eased the isolation of recent immigrants. After the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, he scrambled to help the hundreds of laborers affected by the disaster. Now, without an immigration overhaul, he has redoubled his efforts among the young.

''I had been thinking about this for a long time,'' he said. ''We were just waiting for the time when their children could be able to vote. And we have a lot of children.''

He admitted there are challenges. Many young adults are focused on work, rather than community. And others come from homes where parents made them suspicious of politicians, thanks to the corruption that marked Mexican politics. Mr. Magallan focused his efforts on the children of his group's earliest members, figuring they knew the issues and were willing to help. He hopes they will reach out to friends and encourage them to register to vote.

''The fight for immigration reform in 2009 starts now,'' Mr. Magallan said. ''We have to register all the children of immigrants who are 17 now so they can vote in the next election. These are the people who can then lobby our legislators in 2009.''

Estrellita Montiel's uncle was among the founders of Tepeyac, so volunteering there was a family tradition. Her parents, who worked cleaning hotels and offices, came to New York illegally three decades ago and took advantage of the 1986 amnesty. She was born here 22 years ago and now attends St. John's University. This summer she has been working with several dozen schoolchildren at the group's day camp in Queens.

''Their parents don't know the language, so by working here we're helping those who came here like my parents,'' she said Wednesday as she took the group out to a playground.
Just as important to her is finding her own political voice to help young adults -- including some of her friends -- who are about to get college degrees, even though they have yet to become legal residents.

''They'll have a diploma, but they won't be able to work,'' she said. ''They came here with their parents, but they have been here so long, what are they going to do? They can't go back to Mexico.''

Juan Carlos Aguirre, 27, has also been involved with Tepeyac since he was a teenager. He spent much of his early life raised by relatives in Mexico and joined his mother in New York 17 years ago. After a stint in the United States Navy, he became a citizen in 2004. Now he works at Tepeyac's English program and is studying communications at St. John's University.

Mr. Aguirre feels he ''belongs to this country'' and says he may one day get involved in politics. He is worried about teenagers like his brother, who dropped out of school to go to work and help pay the rent.

''A lot of them have not been as lucky as I was,'' he said. ''Those of us who can do something, especially for the undocumented, we should do it. ''

Thursday, June 07, 2007

finding the antidote

I had to dig into my email to find this gem; it was worth it.

When we catch ourselves thinking or behaving judgmentally, we should ask ourselves where these judgments come from. Traits we hope we do not possess can instigate our criticism when we see them in others because passing judgment distances us from those traits. Once we regain our center, we can reinforce our open-mindedness by putting our feelings into words. To acknowledge to ourselves that we have judged, and that we have identified the root of our judgments, is the first step to a path of compassion. Recognizing that we limit our awareness by assessing others critically can make moving past our initial impressions much easier. Judgments seldom leave room for alternate possibilities.

Mother Teresa said, “If you judge people, you don’t have time to love them.” If we are quick to pass judgment on others, we forget that they, like us, are human beings. As we seldom know what roads people have traveled before a shared encounter or why they have come into our lives, we should always give those we meet the gift of an open heart. Doing so allows us to replace fear-based criticism with appreciation because we can then focus wholeheartedly on the spark of good that burns in all human souls.


For the past few days, I have been fighting through this... trying to figure out what I could do, needed to do and want to do in order to fight this feeling. Need to ground, find the center, acknowledge, and remember that compassion is my most fervent goal.

A friend asked me yesterday, as we talked about my inability to commit to ONE job, "What do you want to do?"

I don't know. I told her. I don't have any shame in admitting that. Maybe I should, but I don't.

But, I do know what I want to be, more than anything: compassionate.
I also know what I do not want to be: selfish.

So, I can be compassionate with myself on not being able to make good progress on finding the "right" job; however, I do need to be more consistent and persistent on being compassionate with the world, and especially with those around me.

Just a thought.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

snippy

I hate the tight feeling... it's tight in my chest and I feel closed in a little box, barely able to move my head around... and it comes out as snippy.

You may encounter this feeling sometimes.

It takes a little while for me to notice that I am snapping (in my mind if not aloud each time) at every little irritant...and EVERYTHING is irritating.

When I realize it, then I know the real unease will begin.

Now I have to dig and find what is really irritating me and deal with that so that I can STOP being SNIPPY to the world.

YUCK.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

The unsuspecting starlets

I have been following the progress of these two whales, like so many others. I never got in the car to see them in person... it's more fun to read the accounts, watch the people on tv looking for the whales, and to imagine what might be going on in their brains.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

like snowflakes

each blog entry is unique...
some are rants
some are only masquerading as rants
some look deep inside
some just observe what goes on around me

the best thing about blogging is I don't have to worry about anything...read or don't read. I get to express my opinion, muse out loud, bitch about the thorn in my side or wonder at the world.

Monday, May 28, 2007

The Curious Turtle

Nearly six years ago, I was kayaking on the Rancocas River; it was a "family" outing -- "" because it was when I was still married and "family" kayaking meant me, him and my mother-in-law. In this case, it also meant the sister-in-law and her girls.

It's probably an exaggeration, but I never felt more alone in New Jersey than when I was with his family. Not that I didn't like, enjoy or get along with them. The connections between them let alone between them and me were as delicate as spider's webs. Obviously intricate and sturdy when used in a conventional way, say trapping flies. Unavoidably fragile when intruded upon by the unexpected other, say a culturally different (maybe opposite) not conventionally pretty or demurely behaved daughter-in-law clumsily tramping through a web.

So in our flotilla we started down the river. Late spring or early summer, maybe Memorial Day weekend, I can't remember. The trees were thick around us, but there was plenty of sun. As I glanced around me, I saw little tiny turtles sunning themselves. So tiny their sunning spots were lily pads.
Can I keep one if I catch one?

I had wanted a turtle for a very long time, maybe as far back as Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing, but not the kind you buy in a pet store. That clearly would be cheating. My mom and dad found one on the bank of the canal during a walk on one of their visits to New Jersey. They brought it home to me, but it wasn't the kind of thing you would keep as a pet. Prehistoric-looking and not at all interested in beings other than itself.

Why I felt the need to ask permission is another story altogether. Though his disbelieving answer that I could certainly keep it, if I could catch it is important as just the tone of voice provided motivation.

My first attempts appeared fruitless but, in fact, they provided important data that could help in my capture of a small, unsuspecting baby turtle.

Keep in mind two things:
1) these turtles were the size of quarters;
2) I had to use the oar to catch one or risk tipping right out of the kayak.

I tried to be faster than the turtles, dipping my oar into the lily pads to score the prize. Before I could get to them, they dove. And then they were gone. I had to continue on to the next patch of sunning baby turtles.

Eventually, I realized they were alerted by the shadow of the oar. Pondering how to make a shadow disappear, I noticed one of the baby turtles had returned. She was peeking at me from beneath the lily pad. Surely she believed herself hidden. Not sure why her curiosity was piqued, but you know what they say about the cat and his curiosity, it occurred to me that I could use it to my advantage.

I positioned my oar beneath her and as she tried to figure me out, I carefully lifted her into my kayak.

She proceeded to walk the length of the kayak, investigating, as she is wont to do even now. In the time it took to get back to where we had put in, I constructed a story (plausible enough, I think) about her likelihood to survive in the wild given her intense and seemingly insatiable curiosity.

She was hawk snack for sure.

I saved her life.
Or so I like to think. Not sure what she would say if she could tell the story from her perspective. It's probably a good thing she can't talk.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Life sentence?

I am just wondering...at what point in my life will I stop being punished for having married the wrong person?I am just saying...

So, I am just wondering if I will reach a point where I will not be punished for having married the wrong man?

I don't mean to sound melodramatic. Honestly, despite what it may seem.

I did not expect that it to all go away with the magic wand of divorce.

I thought that getting a divorce would rectify the situation.

I didn't expect that it would all go away. I mean that I didn't get an annullment, I got a divorce.

So, I understood that there would be resentment, emotional issues to unravel and a life to set right. I imagined (and have lived through) the residual shame, anger, pain, resentment. I knew that it would take some time. Emotionally, it is not truly over.

What I did not expect is that every few years I would have a legal document land on my doorstep DEMANDING that I pay for my EX-husband's lack of financial stability or his lack of ability to manage his finances.

WTF?

At what point, exactly, in my life will I STOP paying for the mistake I made in marrying him? When, if ever, will I be absolved of making the mistake of marrying him?

Is this a lifetime sentence?

Friday, May 25, 2007

Reggie or Why I LOVE Southern California

You can say what you like about Los Angeles and Southern California; I know you will anyway...but I love it.

The way folks feel about Reggie and what he INSPIRES is just one of the many reasons that I still LOVE L. A.

Check this out:

When the animal was first spotted in the murky lake in August 2005, it became a sensation as crowds gathered to catch a glimpse. Locals named it Reggie, though it's not clear whether the reptile is male or female.

Gloria and Danny Gutierrez said they would go to the lake several times a week and watch for Reggie. Gloria Gutierrez wore a white T-shirt decorated with the words "Welcome back, Reggie."

"We'd bring our chairs out here and a bag of fruit, and we'd talk with people we didn't even know," Danny Gutierrez said.

The gator inspired a zydeco song, two children's books and innumerable T-shirts. Students at Los Angeles Harbor College next to the lake adopted Reggie as a second mascot.


[I added the emphasis because I enjoy being emphatic and/or irate under the right circumstances.]

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

just wondering...

Open letter to my former colleagues:



I was just wondering now that you are sitting with so many desks at the office empty, again, do you worry, now, about that terse exchange?



Do you think, maybe I shouldn't have been so unhelpful? Maybe I shouldn't have made them all jumps through so many hoops just to get what they needed to do their work?



Do you wonder if all of those smoking breaks that were really insider-only meetings were a detriment to fostering a welcoming environment?



I really hope you do. Not only because I am vindictive and revel in watching the turn over as a result of your poor management. Also because if there were a chance that you, any of you, could be introspective on this issue, there is hope.



I am hopeful for the sake of your organization which COULD have done so much MORE than yell and scream about injustice.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Sangrona

We have a word for the sullen, visibly angry or brusque woman. [From the Real Academia, in case you don't believe me... and for those who land on this page looking for a definition.]

We call her sangrona (him, sangron).

It's more than aloof or unfriendly because it is that noticeably hostile undertone that you see and feel in the look, the attitude, the way she breathes in, disgruntled, no matter what you do or say.

She lets you know without ever addressing a word to you.

Don't try to break through.

There is no room for discussion, explanation, reconsideration or reprieve.

Don't bother to try to be her friend.

You will strive to be brought down every time.

She wants you to know that there is something truly distasteful in your simply being. And you should know how unacceptable you are.

I keep thinking some day she will see.

But she won't, and it really isn't about me or you or anyone else but her.

I am still wondering why, knowing as I do that there is not discernible rhyme or reason, I still care.

So why can't you just let it go?

Where is my compassion for her?

Monday, May 21, 2007

Best meal for $3.75

Spinach, pasta and feta sandwich
boneless chicken (as Nick call is) = hard boiled egg

Especially satisfying if you have just walked the lake and skipped breakfast.

It's important to celebrate the little things that make you smile, even if it only lasts for a minute.

It's much better than spending your lunch hour walking around the lake complaining about your co-worker.

In case you were wondering.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

what if and if only

There are no more poisonous words.

If only...
Is full of regret. It is the small child within the grown person wondering if he could have made his father love him by being somehow different. It is the wife turning herself inside out, trying to be who her husband says he wants.

IF ONLY exploits your deepest insecurity in the guise of goading you into striving to be better, more, deserving, you name it. Any of those characteristics that the demons whisper you lack and could never achieve.

What if...
While not outwardly as dangerous or painful as IF ONLY, just as destructive. What if leads you down the painful path of regret just as surely as IF ONLY ever will. What if I hadn't said that, done that, felt that? What if things had been different? What if I had planned better, executed more skillfully, understood more plainly? What if aliens abducted me and implanted something in me that has caused me to make all these missteps, mistakes, etc.?

Oh yes, WHAT IF, inevitably it leads you to the ALIENS and the sorrowful realization that the WHAT IF road cannot offer any solace, answers or peace.

Keeping these lessons present are difficult but worthwhile.