Cacophony

Generally these days you will find me under the influence of something playing directly into my ears. I remember when I used to scoff at the concept. I was able to conjure a soundtrack in my mind and didn't need to rely on an i pod. Ah well how things change. Now I look to the music as a refuge. I enjoy watching the world go on around me with the music playing in the background. I feel a little out of sorts when I don't have little ear buds in.

I started this post back after Thanksgiving weekend, though, when I was home with the multi-sensory family. It is a constant input with them. That weekend, in particular, was high frequency, with the new baby and the untold news bubbling underneath and all the nervous energy from the newness and not knowing of the whole adoption situation.

I wondered that it would be like when I was headed back from THAT trip what it would be like to walk back into my mostly quiet life.

After nearly a month of traveling ... not sleeping in my own bed, in fact, let's see, over the last 27 days, I have slept in no less than 7 other people's houses, in five states. There were moments I was alone, but with work to do, there wasn't a lot of time for thinking or writing or processing.

In fact, in so many new spaces, there were so many people and things and events to observe. Starbucks and other coffee shops in various places, a concert, shopping, dinners and lunches out, airports (um, yes, eight of them), parks, movie theaters... so much input.

So, the sense of cacophony continued.

Last night, as the plane descended into Albuquerque I was filled with both a sense of dread and longing for quiet and my own space (though I wish now, of course, that I had cleaned up my apartment before I left so that I would be coming back to a clean house ...).

Since the friend who was picking me up at the airport also invited me to dinner, the quiet was forestalled, and then numbed with television but then indulged with deep sleep and no alarm... quiet, it's not so bad. And input, it's pretty good fun, too.

Small world

There are so many chains that many corners of NY could be any big city. I take comfort in some of it like the trader Joe's or sb but I also appreciate that some things are still regional and others truly unique.

I know I can get my corn muffin from dunkin donuts on the east coast. I know patties and red velvet cakes in Brooklyn will be tasty. And times square and the village are incomparable regardless of the smattering of chain stores and restaurants.

I did shake my head at people going to hardrock and bubba gumps... Seriously NY is wasted on those folks.

Only in NY though some of the fashions I have seen not only on mannequins but also on real people walking down the street.

And I seriously want one of those winter hassidic hats. The ones the guys wear. I want to be clear I am not endorsing the gender politics or dynamics (though that is a blogpost I should have written... Not sure I will be sufficiently moved when I am not walking with them on the street to write it) since I want to subvert the roles and wear it myself.

I also want to display it on off-seasons as a bizarre obscure (in all its meanings) lampshade.

I have a plan but it's whimsical so it's okay.

There was a second meaning to this post but it will have to surface as a part two.

Now I am rambling and free associating. But did you know that a worker died cleaning the small world ride at euro Disney? I mean of all rides, the most innocuous becomes the fatal one?

Ironic or bizarre or both? you decide.

Running out of the free hour on booing here at the airport. Gotta go.

Yup, I wrote this while temporarily stranded at La Guardia, but I hadn't had time to clean up the iPod spellings til now.

Highlights

For weeks I have been thinking about what I would write when I no longer had to be prompted. Now I stare at the blank screen and draw a similar blank.

I am in the shuttle on the way to the airport, and mother nature has seen fit to gift me with snow for my departure. [Yes that was last Friday...wrote several drafts that day.]

New York is nothing if not dramatic.

Beyond the truly wonderful, almost miraculous, friend time (I think the universe was truly on my side), I have some other memorable sights and experiences.

Here are the Highlights:
Uggs -- I seriously have never believed the hype, but Janella's extra pair were a godsend. Warm, comfy, quickly dried though not water proof... When I had to walk through unplowed and unshoveled areas, no issues! And no falls, though, perhaps I shouldn't speak to soon, still gotta get to and thru the airport.

Tour o Starbucks -- perhaps not the most imaginative of study spots for me, but I was using my card and gathering points. I was in sb in Brooklyn, on Wall Street, and in Harlem. Each with its own charm though none with the kind of service I am accustomed to...but still fairly uniformly polite.

Cosi -- unexpected outstanding service. Truly enjoyed my afternoon working there.

Cupcakes! -- the review: two thumbs up for the rainbow cookie cupcake and the banana something. Truth be told I bought that last one because it was the freshest. The red velvet was mediocre... Stick to the cake man for that, price aside, you won't be disappointed. But I would seriously order fresh cupcakes from this place, I think it was called king of cupcakes?! Down the block from Five Guys in Park Slope. I drove there with my live navigator so that really means nothing to me, but it might mean something to you.

God's Love We Deliver -- enough said

Highline Park -- wow...truly spectacular even in the winter. I wish I could count on lazy days of summer or fall to hang out there. The views are amazing but the style of the park is equally inspired. Love love love it.

There is plenty more but this long enough so it will have to keep for another post.

Parkway and...

Still trying to wrap my mind around how the Parkway's idea for movies in comfy seats with food and drink (you know, including adult beverages) becomes "fork and screen" and "cinema suites" at AMC theaters.

I love that theaters are figuring out that they need a new model, but it is hard for me reconcile their upscale model with the Parkway's local kitsch.

Don't get me wrong. It is a fantastic strategy and not overpriced. The fee is $20 but $10 of that will pay for food and drink. You get semiprivate seats that are upscale comfy. In the premium suites: recliners.

At a regular theater those seats would not be as comfy, and a soda and popcorn or crappy nachos would cost $10.

I am guessing there won't be the same kind of community participation as the Parkway.

The price point and the explicit rules about unaccompanied minors mean that no gangs of thirteen year old boys will ever be your companions in the theater.

It's super interesting. Social control and business model shift in one fell swoop.

Multitasking.

Makes me long for the Parkway though.

Did I mention that they are reopening??

I posted it on fb but perhaps forgot to mention here. Sometimes my medias get confused in my mind.

Soundtrack of Life?

Sometimes, you wake up in the morning with some lyrics in your head... maybe, even if with the accompanying music.

Don't ask me why, because I just don't know, this is what I woke up to this morning:



I do love Boy George, though.

See for yourself.

Happy Friday ... goodbye NYC, hello Nashville.

UPDATE:
Perhaps the song was meant to presage the first real travel snafu... Stuck at laguardia where my flight will be too delayed to reach connection on time. Thanks for the heads up southwest.

Yeah... And after the grand tour of manhattan on the shuttle, I prefer to wait for a friend to pick me up than endure another endless ride through with shuttle driver.

Flight rebooked for tomorrow and plotting how to not lug my bags with me all over creation.

It's all good... More time to do work for money. A little journalling and I did get three blog posts substantially drafted on the shuttle.

Kept me from wanting to yell and scream.

back posting deja vu

It's January 4th...and I haven't had a chance to finish all those December posts that went to live in the drafts folder.

It has been a long time since I have back posted... just sayin' -- I think I get a pass for these.

Keep an eye out for these to get done, sloppily or well, no one knows for sure, but I have material for the new year that is backing up in my head, so as not to continue clogging the drafts folder, and it won't keep forever.

photo: sleepy baby niece, for fun and because she is so cute

Known

December 31 – Core Story
What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.) (Author: Molly O’Neill)

This trip to NYC - yes it started in 2010 but now is well into the first week of the new year- has turned into old friend week.

I haven't been to NY in over 4 years, but, I have been trying to do a better job of keeping in touch long distance. Some of my friends, however, haven't been able to make it to where I was either... so a chance to be around old friends is a treasure.

Don't get me wrong, new friends are great, too, but old friends are a special breed, and they are at the core of my being at present. Since what I am trying to embrace is the sense that I am known, just being in the presence of old friends is healing.

Aside from the three friends I came to visit explicitly -- two of them I hadn't seen in the four years, I have had a week full of reunions.

Monday, I saw a friend I haven't seen in over 15 years. And as she said, it was as if no time had passed.

Tuesday, I got to spend a lovely afternoon and evening with one of my all time favorite families. As well as getting the chance to visit old haunts - which was wildly surreal.

Wednesday, a sweet evening with an old friend on his turf for a change.

Thursday (tomorrow) another catch up with someone I haven't seen in probably 20 years.

Starting Friday evening with another friend I have not seen in a long while.

All of this time spent with people who get me, just as I am. It is the essence of being known.

It is like living inside a warm hug.
I had too many bags to also carry my camera, but here is one shot someone took of us at a NYE party... the rest of the pics will have to just live in my memory.

Location:Aiken Ave,Princeton,United States

Gifts

December 30 – Gift.
This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year? (Author: Holly Root)


A while ago I decided that the best thing to do was to gift myself for my birthday and Christmas.

That way I know I will get what I want and everything else is gravy.

This year I didn't really buy myself a birthday gift, but I did gift myself with a spa day, a three week trip all over California and my words necklace.

Breakdowns, Break Ups and Definition

December 29 – Defining Moment Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year. (Author: Kathryn Fitzmaurice)

[Again ... in this moment of truth, I will admit it is not December 29th when I write this, but it is still 2010 ... by at least eight more hours]

I was just telling a friend the other day (they all run together now, so I am not sure if it was yesterday or the day before ... or even how long I have been in NYC) that the painful friend break up I experienced earlier this fall, and the breakdown it engendered, were defining moments for me.

There was a lot of soul searching to be done ... and defining and redefining what I understood as "friendship," how I defined myself as a friend and what I was looking for in a friend.

This is not to say that I have definitive answers to these questions now... I do not. But I learned some important things about myself and applied a new found compassion to my soul ... it was painful. I will admit that I felt I had fallen a dark well for a long while.

The important piece was that not only did I already have the resources, internal/personal as well as real live friends I could call on ... I knew exactly how to access them.

It was like taking a deep breath, not the one you take and it catches because you have been crying and can't get your breath. It was the one that cleanses, renews and literally breathes life back into you.

Check the company you keep ... if you are not breathing deeply, they might not be the right people to spend time with....

[Not sure I did this prompt justice ... but I hope so. I am not meaning to be cryptic, but at this point, these are the aspects of the situation that seem salient. If you want juicy details, I think you will have to make them up for yourselves. I encourage this tactic, by the way.]

Achievement Envisioned

December 28 – Achieve

What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today. (Author: Tara Sophia Mohr)

Happy, Open, Whimsical, Tender ... what I would like to feel, achieve...

10 (or as many that flow) new thoughts:

NOW

Let go...

FEEL

believe

allow

listen to the universe

Ordinary Joy

December 27 – Ordinary Joy
Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year? (Author: Brené Brown)

[In the name of truth ... I am sitting in a sb in NYC on December 31st ... trying to get at least some of these posts updated.]

I have been feeling rushed and drowsy for the past few days ... the long awaited crash has finally taken over. I am loving these prompts but don't have the energy to do them justice. But, I will try ...

One of my most joyful moments this year was at Brian and Stephanie's wedding ... for which we planned the wedding reunion last night (it was a blast, by the way).

It was a wedding weekend and it began inauspiciously ... I was tired and fearful and grouchy and managed to piss everyone off before we left the airport.

It got better, though; I realize now that all three of us in the car were carrying our own fears of being trapped among wedding revelers. Truthfully, at that moment I felt like I was staring down the barrel of a large gun, maybe a canon. I had just not enjoyed any nuptials since my divorce, maybe even before that ...

The event was joyful and loving and fantastically hilarious. I don't think I have clicked with folks or had real joy like that in so long that I couldn't really remember the last time I had laughed that hard or heartily.

The reunion on Sunday night was just as boisterous and joyful...though this time I was ready, theoretically, for it... no fear, just the desire to let my hair down and really enjoy the moments.

good eats

December 26 – Soul Food What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul? (Author: Elise Marie Collins)


Best meal I had in a long time was at Cafe Pasqual in Santa Fe.

Everything was just good, simple and good... not too much sauce covering up for not so good.

Perhaps the best was the dessert sampler ... everything on that plate was awesome.

A friend in from Oakland was there ... and we agreed, it was as good as anything we had in the bay area and that is saying a lot.

Even the wait staff's tshirts made me want to stay and be friends.

Looking forward to the next time I dine there ...

Another great place is the Boot and Shoe Service in Oakland ... it opened after I left, but this summer, I got a couple of good meals there. The best: soft serve ice cream with sea salt ... YUM. There wine was yummy too. And you have to love a place that likes the old sign out so much that they keep the name. Love it. Miss Oakland... can't believe I will not be there anymore this year.

I am a creature of habit, so wherever I am a regular there is usually something that is feeding my soul besides the food...

There are definitely others that are standouts...briefly
Fish tacos with freshly made tortillas at the little mariscos place near 3129
Fancy mac n cheese at the Standard Diner
Happy hour wine and food at Zinc always makes me happy, especially late happy hour on Sunday evenings

I am still trying to get over the Chocolate Cafe being closed ... and losing the Pudge Bros.

Just might add some in NYC in the next couple of days!

1000 words... or less

December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself

Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and [...]

Above, inadvertent self portrait ... on one of the Oxnard - Oakland trains, trying to capture the ocean through these two slopes, I caught myself in the orange shirt... one of my favorite shirts, too.

Can you see me?

I put on my new necklace yesterday without looking, KNOWN is showing, on the necklace, and I hope in real life, too.

Below, two more shots from the train that I like...

Resources

December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK
What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

[Without apologies ... I am desperately trying to finish this on NYE in NYC]

I have been mulling this prompt for way too long. I am sure that this year, like every other, has been full of moments that prove that everything is going to be okay, but it seems so definite to choose just one.

The first thought that flashed when I read the prompt was a picture of me flying across the sidewalk, landing wonder-woman(NOT)-like on the ground.

Why was this proof that everything is going to be ok?

I jumped up, literally brushed myself off and sped to my appointment without regard for the pain or the blood.

I might have been dazed and confused or just sure that it was not that big of a deal.

It hurt like hell...but in my mind I just thought, well, I took the brunt of that discussion about whether or not to pass me in my body. No problem.

And, I still have the scars on my elbows and one (!?!) knee, but I am just fine.

It was a bruising and it was just like the universe does without warning or rhyme or reason. There was not an explanation for the fall, it just was.

And I was fine... I didn't chip a tooth or hit my head. I landed sprawled but not truly injured.

It was the universe saying you have the resources... I was going to need to know that I had the resources soon enough, this was an indication, not a warning.

Hoping it makes sense...

Baptism

December 23 – New Name
Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why? (Author: Becca Wilcott)


Writing about a saint for the last five or so weeks has got my head stuck in the church ... hence the title of this piece.

What comes to mind is my Christmas present ... the one I designed and bought for myself.

It arrived today and is in my stocking. You see the restraint?

Anyway, it is the necklace with the two words I want to manifest in 2011 ... manifest is not exactly right, maybe embrace is better. Just imagine the agonizing I did deciding on the two words: fierce and known.

FIERCE - strong in the resilient way, determined, committed, unashamed, there's more, but I am too tired to elaborate. I hope you get the picture.

KNOWN - if I have to explain this one, it probably isn't worth the words.

travel: remembering and wishing

December 22 – Travel
How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year? (Author: Tara Hunt)

started the year driving from Oxnard to Oakland, to wine country and back to Oxnard and then all the way back to Albuquerque. My car was tired, so was I, but I had a lot of wine and a wine refrigerator on the way


a lot of trips to Santa Fe to visit the archives

SoCal for my brother's 50th birthday

Quick trip to Oberlin for a conference

a month of all over the place ... fly to Oakland, drive to Tahoe, train to Oxnard, back to Oakland, drive to Fort Jones and the cabin (check the archives), to Oregon, drive back to Oakland, Gilroy, back to Oxnard and the Albuquerque on the train

more trips to Santa Fe, for work, for music, for spa days

SoCal for Malibu half marathon, Thanksgiving and now Christmas

In 2011, I will go to NYC, ticket already booked; and then to Nashville, already booked... and back to Albuquerque.

I am plotting a trip to Bensalem, PA ... garden spot? no... more archive work...

Haven't decided on a run yet ... so who knows where I will travel to for that

Las Vegas in May for Sade? Still waiting for the confirmation

Maybe Oberlin again in June?

AAA in Montreal in November if all goes as planned...new city for me!

I can't predict much more than that... but I would like to get a trip to Oakland in ... and wine country

yesterday, today, tomorrow

December 21 – Future Self.
Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?) (Author: Jenny Blake)

wish I had time to engage this prompt ... but, I am still working on that stupid paper that won't end...

all I want to tell myself right now is WRITE, don't censor, just WRITE, just write it, just write it...

on a side note

unrelated to any prompt that is not life ...

I wonder what it means that getting the work done on the last paper (the one about someone becoming a saint) can only get done while watching Dexter... holy irony?

intentions, manifestations, banishing fear

December 20 – Beyond Avoidance What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?) (Author: Jake Nickell)

I feel a little like groundhog day with some of these prompts ... didn't I just write what I was going to do ... I guess I didn't mention these were challenging for me ... things that I have been too scared or worried or unsure or too busy or otherwise deterred from doing?

Again, then...
dance like no one is watching
be whimsical and tender
smile when I see something that tickles me
enjoy every moment, even if it is a painful moment
be present
not regret
just be...

I am intending very much to do these things...

Salve

December 19 – Healing
What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? (Author: Leoni Allan)

What has healed me this year, still working on it, actually, is compassion... applied to myself. I started the project a long while ago...while at an all day metta retreat.

I was not enjoying the day ... the teacher was working my last nerve. But, I recognized that uncomfortable generally means making progress. All day, I rewrote the metta statements that we were given. Working on the premise that I needed to take issues that plagued me most and turn them into positive statements. Statements that I could remember and apply as salve as needed.

We alternated between sitting and walking meditation. I abhor walking meditation. I usually can just not get into it ... I worry about falling and get distracted by every sound and sight and just can't keep focus. Not so that day.

During the sitting meditation, I would test out different statements and write down the one that seemed right just before heading out to the walking meditation. During the walking, I would just repeat the statements, fiddling with the words if they were not just right. I also arranged them in alphabetical order by verb so that if I could not remember them, I could think through the letters...

At the end of the day, I had four statements that were at the heart of breaking old agreements and making new ones:
May I acknowledge abundance.
May I allow love to flow to and from me.
May I embrace my gifts and talents.
May I feel beautiful and strong.

Running and working out in general were also helpful. It was most effective to repeat these while I was running, though I also found that I could use them when the gremlins, as Andrea call them, started up the negative chatter.

At times I stalled with this practice, but, for the most part, this is a winning strategy. I realized, at some point, that I needed some new statements, which I created ... but I think these four are still the most powerful.

The phrases often can sometimes have more power when I send them to other people or to the world. Sometimes I direct them at the people who appear to be causing me distress ... tailoring the words to fit their personalities. I know that, in fact, it is my brain that is causing me the distress, but by redirecting my negative thoughts towards people to some positive energy, it lifts the discomfort and the fog...

I don't know if this makes sense to anyone out there, but it really does feel like a salve for me: for my soul and for my heart, and I hope, in a small way, for the universe.

Blessed be...

[Photos: July 2010, leaving the Cabin, Fort Jones (ish), CA]