The Hardest Lesson

...in life is that you must learn to rely on yourself.

Too many times, you take the chance to lean on someone else only to find they cannot hold you. Even for a little while.

Ultimately it does not matter why they are unable or unwilling to hold you...you MUST learn to rely on yourself.

These are the intensely difficult lessons I endure while simultaneously trying to be open and vulnerable.

I must be open, give people the benefit of the doubt, get my heart broken over and over, and learn to believe and rely on myself.

Really...must it always be this hard?

And, why have I not learned this until now.

If you have three people who love and accept and support you unconditionally, you have a rare gift. I hope you are loving and appreciating those folks right now.

I hope if I ever find those three (those who try and fail may get gold stars, but they don't count), I hope I will love and appreciate them fiercely.

Addendum: oh, and, yes, you should also try to maintain open and vulnerable whilst taking care of yourself. Cheers!

Location:Tijeras Ave NE,Albuquerque,United States

Celia Cruz and the Scottish Highlanders

I can't read this stuff, even this piece which I am enjoying, without pumping music in my ears.

I am all those things I professed to hate just a few sh0rt years ago... when I didn't own an iPod and I went to coffee shops, sparingly, to drink coffee.

Ah, well ...

Sometimes

...the universe knows just what you need for a pick me up.

Thanks.

Location:Roma Ave NE,Albuquerque,United States

Today

I don't want to talk to anyone.

I want to be under the headphones, lost in thought as I watch the clouds go by.

I want to listen carefully to all the unspoken thoughts.

I want hear how Luther and Al and Sade and James and Tracy feel in song.

Maybe then I will start to understand the messages.

Maybe.

-----
You could come with me on my hike.

But you can't talk. Only listen to the wind moving in the trees and the grass. Only wonder at the secret language you don't understand.

But company would be good

Location:Historic U.S. 66,Albuquerque,United States

Ouch

Email inboxes full of messages you neither want or need are just as painful as empty inboxes. In fact, maybe they are exactly the same.

Location:Tijeras Ave NE,Albuquerque,United States

MIB addendum

MIB (message in a bottle)

just a little FYI

... I would have been sweating up the sheets with you months ago... had you been interested.

image ... Mount Shasta in the distance

Seriously Random

Ruby slippers don't cause me to fly through the air, but neither to they get me home.

I hope I will find the people who can talk me down from the ledge before I am in the homestretch of my dissertation writing. And/or that I can remember my own voice and words of wisdom at the appropriate hour (as wishful thinking as that is).

I look around and think, "wow, these people are here everyday," not recognizing the only way I could know that is if I am here everyday. Yeah, I am a serious regular.

You could write some weird abstract poetry from the word suggestions on this little device.

Why does sleeping make me more tired?

Location:Historic U.S. 66,Albuquerque,United States

Heartbroken

I am never sure how to assuage someone's broken heart.

What I have come to in the last year, largely because I have been dealing with my baby sister's heart, is to err on the side of the heart.

That is, I worry more about the heart than the situation.

I encourage her to not try to debrief the relationship while your heart is broken into a million pieces. You should bathe yourself with compassion. Hold your heart and self in your most careful hands.

Remember that you are a worthwhile loving person whose love should be unleashed on the world. Do your best to not retreat into your stronghold. You do not need to hide your heart.

You have to feel your way through it. You have to live through it. You have to realize that you will live through it. Believe.

And rely on the people who will remind you how lovable you are. That one day it will get somewhat easier. Like that bruise that only hurts when you touch it. And you touch it anyway to remember.

Location:Ridgecrest Cir SE,Albuquerque,United States

hmmm

I saw a shooting star tonight ... I was in disbelief for a minute or two. When I convinced myself that it was really a shooting star, I thought, I need to make a wish.

I am not sure what it is about me at this moment that I couldn't think of what that wish should be.

I drew a blank... hard to collect what you want from the universe if you are not sure what you want.

Maybe it just means I am tired.

One of these days...

I am going to finish those drafted blog posts, but as of now I am scheduled within an inch of my life and finding it hard to keep up ...

Paraphrasing what a friend of mine's phone says to me:
Please enjoy this picture while I get a chance to write...



The jacaranda tree was my favorite sight all summer long... still a few days left of summer; squeezing all I can out of it.[My friend's phone actually says: please enjoy the music while I find ...]

Day 7

In a word... HELL.

There is a little less than 24 hours to go ... I have two strong drafts and one outline in need of serious work that must magically become a strong draft in a few hours.

Fairy godmother?

Day 4

All that talk about not stopping by here and then, here I am again ... alas, this means that I am not typing away at my comps question. I am, however, THINKING about it.

Why, yes, the many punctuation marks found in this post are a direct result of constructing many, long, convoluted sentences that might have a point, but it is so HARD to tell.

"No, I don't have any fucking IDEA what to write, as a matter of fact! Why would you ask me that?"

"We're not going to Oregon until you write something on that comps question!"

[If you have no idea what these two random quotes have to do with anything in the world, then take a look back at the post titled The Cabin.]

There are also a lot of asides in the drafts, as a matter of fact. Why would you ask me that?

Since this blog is just you [and by that, I guess, I mean ME] and me and the four hundred thousand people who want to know more about the song in H*A*P*P*Y F*E*ET [trying to make sure they don't accidentally end up on this page where I talk shit about them], I can, and do write whatever I want here.

This will be more random than usual...and may, or may not, include a random photo that has absolutely nothing to do with the post ... how could anything be representative of randomness anyway? I am not a math major, I could not possible know the answer to that question.

I am sitting here, pressing the back button on my shuffle to I get to just the right combination of Sade and Luther Vandross... they sing so sweetly directly into my ears and attempt to calm me ... it's nearly 3pm and I have exactly ONE page of draft two (that is draft of essay 2 not second draft of essay 1 ... I actually have a draft 2 of essay 1, that should count for something...though it is not even close to being finished...)

So, as I was saying, I am sitting here, listening to Sade and Luther sing some of my favorite songs, and I began to tear up [... god, why does writing essays make me want to cry?!], and I thought, "Do all old wounds hurt in just this way?" [I didn't actually think it in quotation marks, but I am in love with the punctuation just now, so I am including it.]

What way? It is an uncomfortable pain, yet comforting in some familiar way. It hurts deep, not like fresh physical pain that might just hurt for a minute. It hurts in that weird bruised way that you touch over and over just to feel it ... why do we do that?

These songs bring all that exquisite pain rushing back ... and I push the back button and listen again.

Yeah, pegame!

Photo ... pretty darned random, Squaw Valley, June 19, 2010

Day 3

Today is day 3 of the exams ... and I already feel that I am behind, though, to be fair, the deadline I set for myself to have the draft of the first paper was today at 6pm, that means I still have over three hours to make that happen. I am already on page 5 of the 8 I hoped to have done today ... I will probably get to more than ten and then start to cut. However, it feels like I am behind because in my dream, the one where I didn't procrastinate for several hours a day, I would be reworking the first draft right now not just finishing it.

Ah... technically still on track, though I would rather be doing ANYTHING than this. Ok, probably not anything. I have never had a root canal, and I am not that interested in trading that experience for this one. There is still something I can control here ... I just wish that what I was interested in controlling was getting done faster rather than taking longer!

The clouds threaten outside and I have moved from my couch to the sbucks, where I did enjoy the first few hours outside with the breeze tickling me. I want to take a nap, do yoga, go for a run, eat things that are bad for me. I want to read trashy novels, cook complicated dishes and talk to friends. I don't want to write these fucking papers.

The road ahead is full of days like this ... and hopefully some sense of accomplishment.

Old Town Photoshoot

After a few days at the cabin, we began to make our way to Oregon for a quick visit with two fantastic people, Barbara and Greg. But, first we stopped in the old town of Yreka. It was the perfect opportunity to get some pictures ... many of the little towns we went through looked just like this!

The real purpose for stopping in old town was to stop in at the bookstore so Julie could sign books and let her fans fawn over her
But they were closed...

So we wandered around a bit, stretched our legs and took some pictures...

Where you can get your caffeine fix:

I had some help on this photo shoot from some super models; here is Mary making Yreka look good...
And Julie pretending to ask for directions to get the Barber to pose for a picture unwittingly...
Gotta make some time to investigate the Masons, seems like everyone in the cemetery in Etna had something to do with them...
And, if you are so inclined, you can tie your horse...

The "Cabin"

So what happens when six women pile into three cars with gear and supplies for a week or more drive up into the mountains to the little homestead we affectionately call "the cabin?"

Yes, we refer to it in quotation marks. That is because it is not like a luxurious or even working cabin ... it is one large room that doubles as kitchen and living space, a side room with bathroom, and a large, screened in porch that doubles as living space and sleeping quarters.

Well, the owner of the cabin told us how her male friends' eyes would open wide at the prospect of six women frolicking at the cabin ... and we all laughed.

Actually what happens is there is a lot of cleaning up (reclaiming the space from the mice) the first day and a lot of cocktails. We had a lot of working on the cabin projects this time around .... to make sure it is still standing when we make our way back there. Some exploring of the cute little tiny towns nearby, and drinks at the bar. More cocktails. Exploring the old cemetery and reconstructing the town's history in our heads for fun. More cocktails.

There were also a lot of singing birds, no bears or mountain lions that we could see, and tons of woodpeckers. And an eagle. Once or twice a day, I noticed a hush in the forest... it went from cacophony of talking birds to silence. Then I noted the shadow of a huge bird flying over. When I looked up, there she was. Or he, I guess... I just imagined it was a momma bird out getting food for her kids. It was a daily occurrence.

Some key phrases for the trip:
We're not going to Oregon, if you don't ... [the original was eat your food (overheard at a diner on our way in), but it could be filled with your choice]
No, I don't have any heroin as a matter of fact, why would you ask me that? [a friend had witnessed a homeless man chatting with an imaginary friend the week before the trip, and this was his most memorable line; believe it or not, you can change out heroin for almost anything and it works. It must be delivered correctly, though, for proper effect.

My new camera rode all the way to the cabin but only came out as we were driving away. Here are some photos from the trip to the cabin...

We must have stopped for this one, it's too good
typical view
you can see this from the cabin, though I didn't take any pictures there...

The life given to us by nature is short, but the memory of a well-spent life is eternal.
-- Marcus Tullius Cicero

I ponder this as I plan the spa day that will be the treat for FINISHING the comprehensive exams that I will start on this Friday and end on next Friday.

I have a few posts I have been working on that will go live in the next few days and then there will be radio silence ... unless I hit a brick wall with the exams and need a break that includes writing more ... like that will happen.

Stay tuned for results ... there may be crying or laughing or celebrating, no one knows for sure.

I want to stay as close to the edge
as I can without going over.
Out on the edge you see all kinds of things
you can't see from the center.

Kurt Vonnegut

In Honor of Our Trip to Santa Fe Tomorrow

Some thoughts from the master ...

"Nobody sees a flower - really - it is so small - we haven't time - and to see takes time like to have a friend takes time. If I could paint the flower exactly as I see it no one would see what I see because I would paint it small like the flower is small. So I said to myself - I'll paint what I see - what the flower is to me but I'll paint it big and they will be surprised into taking time to look at it - I will make even busy New Yorkers take time to see what I see of flowers."
Georgia O'Keefe, 1931

I don't have any pics of flowers, so use your imagination with this one.

Best I can do

...is a quote today...

The turning point in the process
of growing up is when you
discover the core of strength
within you that survives all hurt.

Max Lerner

Location:Historic U.S. 66,Albuquerque,United States

Butterflies fly...

by day and go to bed early..,
[that's what is says below the picture of a geisha with a parasol...she is smiling]

From Christine Mason Miller's Ordinary Sparkling Moments

In your quietest moments...in those bare spaces where the sound of your breath is all your ears register ...

What does your heart say to you?

Location:Historic U.S. 66,Albuquerque,United States