The Devil on P.R.'s bullshit

From Tafari's blog, honestly the best response to the Pat Robertson mess that I have seen -- though I must admit I have been avoiding all mention of that demon's name ... a must read (click the link if you want to see all of Tafari's commentary on the matter -- truly worth reading as well):

Tafari "spotted this very witty note from the devil to Pat Robertson written by Lily Coyle, of Minneapolis on NPR’s website.

'Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"?

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it - I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.
Best, Satan'"

My favorite crow

Fall of 2008 I went on a twenty-one day car trip with my parents. You may remember if you were reading the blog then, I am sure I must have mentioned it. All three of us survived, though I will admit that there were several tense moments. The best day, by far, was the day we spent in the petrified forest.

If you haven't visited there, I encourage the road trip. Even if it means several days trapped in a car with your parents -- you know the ones who used to be adults and now act like children.

While driving through, my dad spotted some crows sitting in the shade of a tractor. He told me to give them a treat. I knew we should not feed the animals in a national park. I have read the stories about bear #6531 who became accustomed to human food and then had to be relocated when he couldn't be broken of the habit of pulling of car doors to get to coolers full of chips and beer and leftover pizza if they were lucky.

Surely crows would not suffer this same fate if I just gave them a little dried cranberry from our healthy trail mix!? (healthy snacks is an entire other blog post I cannot attempt just now with my tender feelings still a wreck from these last few days trying to teach my parents healthy eating -- really only refreshing their memories.). Well, those park rangers know of what they speak when it comes to feeding the animals and probably many other topics.

I gave up the cranberry or two, afterall they weren't going to share the one. And they accepted agreeably. Hopping over to pick it up and cocking their heads up in recognition.
Little did I know that they were actually memorizing my car's looks and probably the license plate.

At each subsequent pull out(for that is how one tours the petrified forest) there he would be, waiting for his treat. At one point my mom got a photo of him flying along side our car. [sorry somehow I can't find that one...]

Well we appreciated his earnestness and industrious commitment to us, it was clear we should stop feeding him or risk his having to be relocated --and featured in the next newsletter.

At least it was clear to me. My father was so tickled he wanted to keep on feeding him, though not proffering treats did not dissuade his attentions to us.

As I drove near the petrified forest on my way to California this past December I swore I saw him following me again.

Perhaps he has not forgotten us!! As I approach there again on my way back to Albuquerque I am smiling at all his brethren and wondering how he's doing.

Location:Starbucks, Flagstaff,AZ

sometimes

you just have to rant ... despite my attempts at feeling deep compassion I also feel frustrated and disappointed. Somehow having the strength to do things like insist that my parents eat more healthily for their own good makes me a bad person ...

yeah... there is more, but this is not fun for me or interesting for anyone...

update -- then she had special requests, somewhat predictable, why am I always surprised?

Mondo Beyondo -- for real this time...

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2009?
(What did you create? What challenges did you face with courage and strength? What promises did you keep to yourself? What brave choices did you make? What are you proud of?)

2. What is there to grieve about 2009?
(What was disappointing? What was scary? What was hard? What can you forgive yourself for?)

3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?

So many things left to do, but not before I can declare 2009 complete. Moving forward; looking back only lovingly as part of the release.

Did you hear me say: "I declare 2009 complete!" I did it.

The final step is to consider your primary focus for the year to come. What is your primary intention or theme for 2009? Is it the year of joy? the year of self-care? the year of partnership? Stand up and say it proud, "2009 is my year of...."

AUTHENTICITY.... there, I said that too. It has taken me quite a long time to get this post finished... but today, I feel confident that this is the right word and the best primary focus I could have for 2010.

Happy New Year!

On the road (postcard #2)

Stopped to eat my sandwich just into San Luis Opisbo county. Decided for the vista spot. Never has a sign been truer!

Elephant seals in every direction. Lazing on the beach, playing in the water, talking (loudly-not sure they have an inside voice) to each other and no one in particular. A walk farther out on the point brought some very large bird, maybe a condor (probably a turkey vulture).

The elephant seals are huge! They float in the water with little waves breaking over them. Sticking their tails or heads of both up from time to time -- and there is clearly six to eight feet between said head and tail. I assume those are the mature bulls. On the shore or just in the water they let the water splash over only stopping to look up if there is a human too close by.

You see a rock sticking out of the water, but then it moves - it is not a rock. Then the head is thrown back and a deep throaty bellow calls out. Or the elephant like snout release air blowing up like a huge balloon and flaring enormous nostrils.

Wish I knew what they were saying!

Ah Wildlife!

Word postcard from the road

The mountains to the left, the ocean to the right. A thin band of fog hugs the coast. The sun is beaming through beautiful clouds.

There is construction on the road, so I am stopped momentarily and I can take in the breathtaking beauty ( and write this).

Vacation so far

In no particular order...
Haircut
Wine tasting (3x in one week)
Mimosas and comadreando
Movies, movies, movies
Christmas date with my nephew
Making special Cole slaw for my pops
Dexter marathon
Ikea adventure
Many cafe breaks sometimes with friends and sometimes alone
Catching up with good friends
Dancing at the gay bar (gay bar)
Catching up on my newspaper reading!!
Nye at the grand tavern

In the not too distant future:
Culture Clash!!
Beach day
2nd Christmas with the family
Wine fridge shopping
Catching up with SoCal friends
Much more driving...

Location:41st St,Oakland,United States

Scene from Cafe Trieste's window

The mailman has a shadow today. Can't tell how he feels about that.

Merry Christmas

oops.... never hit the publish button -- happy belated

I didn't get around to cards, and I started to reflect on the year... and it wasn't looking good. It has been a year full of new beginnings and sad endings. I am sure there are some silver linings I am overlooking right at this moment, but I need a little more time to process them.

I decided that the closest to holiday spirit I can get is to share this with you.

---------------------------------
"DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.
"Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
"Papa says, 'If you see it in THE SUN it's so.'
"Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?

"VIRGINIA O'HANLON.
"115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET."

VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.
The Editor (Francis Pharcellus Church)
VirginiaOnline

Location:S E St,Oxnard,United States

Rant

Two bureaucratic offices so far. Nothing accomplished. Two times in a superpacked parking lot someone who deserves TWO parking spaces.

postscript:
social security replacement card ordered
emissions exemption certificate procured
car registered -- new plates, terrible new dl photo to replace the already terrible CA one
AAA membership (not renewed, so new) bought
ummm-- found the original social security card... just four days too late

post postscript:
NM license plate installed -- after CA registration is really expired...

aloud

There are some things that you think that you cannot say aloud -- or, rather, that you should not say aloud.

I was telling someone the other day that I have few filters -- but that isn't really true. I am perfectly capable of filtering when necessary. It's just that I disagree with the "necessaryness" of censoring so often.

My little sister's motto is KIR -- aka Keep It Real or Keepin' it Real... and she pays for it when she has to, but she does speak her mind and then move on.

I feel more and more pressed here in New Mexico to censor and it makes me itch all over... yes as in it gives me hives.

So, I decided maybe I should keep a little record of things that have crossed my mind that I wanted to say -- or put up as a facebook status -- and then thought "better" of it. Especially since it feels like I am the only one reading this, it should be safe...

I'll post it up on November 30 -- and it will be my final entry for NaBloPoMo...

Living in New Mexico seems to be an open invitation for any man to let his hair grow long ... is it a fashion statement, political statement or just laziness?

I am physically repulsed by the many, egregious advertisements advocating buying women's love with jewelry... yuck... I mean, I sort of get it... but it's disgusting. Not to say that no one should receive jewelry or wanted jewelry or anything of the sort. Just that I have a very bad association with the buying of love or forgiveness. I have always hated the idea of buying someone with an engagement ring ... but then my ex-husband did a really terrible thing and bought me jewelry -- not to try to buy my forgiveness, mind you, but to show my family what a great all around guy he was.

Sick, disgusting, yucky... but, by all means, buy someone some jewelry for Christmas, and make sure it is one of those terrible designs that demonstrate your staying power or love or marriage.

Yeah, and by the way...

Sprinting to the Finish Line

So, I have been trying to get motivated to write two papers today -- unsuccessfully -- it's almost 7pm in California and I am still in my pjs.

So, instead, I am sharing some favorite photos...

And thinking about making nachos...
and maybe I will write some after that....
coffee shops are definitely better for motivation...

S-bucks reflections

This is day two for me hanging out in the s-bucks btwn Oxnard and Pt Hueneme.

I have been trying to figure out if there is a similar or different cafe culture here in SoCal (as opposed to NoCal).

The staff - with the exception of one very industrious barista - is not pressed. They routinely all go in the backroom and chat. The lines get very long...partly due to slow to decide customers and partly because the staff is not in a hurry.

There feels like more people here to socialize than to study or work. Though there are clearly those here to work on their computers and reading. I have already noted quite a few regulars. Some of these don't even bother to buy anything.

The racial composition mirrors the community. Though the interesting behavior I noted was that frequently large groups come in and rearrange the seating to accomodate. Mostly upon leaving they dutifully put it all back.

There is quite a bit of outdoor furniture. And I wonder if it all comes in or just lives outside.

The funniest thing was the golf tee. This guy walked in yesterday to meet a friend. The friend had already bought the coffee but had started to talk to one of the regulars. Well the gut who came in dropped one page of newspaper and a golf tee on the table where the regular was sitting ... and where the regular returned.

He almost sat on the golf tee and then offered it back to the guy who had put it down. That guy promptly denied knowledge of it.

Eventually the all left and the golf tee remained on one of their two tables. Later another person sat at said table, found the tee and picked it up and walked it over to a railing and put it there - in case someone might come back looking for it.

I almost wished I could wait around to see what the staff dis with it at close.

Ok maybe you had to be there -trying to stay focused on work and clearly failing.

post-Thanksgiving

***oops hit the save instead of publish last night when I felt like this:
Eight hours of work on the computer, short nap and then four more hours of reading... all with a huge headache.

I have lots of observations from the S-bucks to share, but not tonight...after Betty, I'm done!

tomorrow...

Thanksgiving

Long day ... and barely getting to writing.

I had hoped to write a longer piece on Thanksgiving and Thankskilling and how different it is to live in a place where Thanksgiving means the celebration of a brutal war designed to take away someone's land rather than a time to give thanks for good friends and relations...

Not that it means that to all folks in Albuquerque -- but there is real history that cannot be avoided there.

In Southern California, I posed with a guy in a turkey suit at Whole Foods, took a walk on the beach and saw the sunset from the pier, saw dolphins in the ocean while cruising down the Pacific Coast Highway, got to hang out with my nephew and then the whole family... not to mention food and drink and an improvised balderdash since someone forgot the game...

And my cousin made it through the surgery which turned into quadruple bypass and is already trying to plot how to get back to work.

So much to be thankful for...
So much to be thoughtful about ...
So little time to do any of that ...

Good night, and I hope you had a great day with the people who make you laugh and cry

Strength - part two

A while back I wrote about the strength I was needing ... My cousin was in the hospital and ultimately died - the whole scene made me twist and turn inside and being away from my family made it all the more difficult to reconcile all the moving parts in my head.

Just when I was beginning to feel that an even keel would be possible again, I got news that another cousin was very ill. As I write he is having triple bypass surgery. I am doing my best to only think good and postive and healthy thoughts. But the year he's had makes want to find out who's in charge and ask for an explanation.

Of course, coiling through all of this is the sense of loneliness that comes with not having a god to turn to. Pretty sure I wrote about this before. But it did come up again with no real resolution.

I was hoping for happier thoughts today. But I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I am ready for some days off - if only that were truly possible. Five more papers in the next two and a half weeks. I need more strength and less disillusionment.

One bright note: I just found out that my cousin gave life to four women ... Her heart, liver and kidneys are giving a second chance on life to some folks.

Blessings to all.

favorite things, sorta

Working on a list of things that I enjoy --

sopapillas with honey (had one for breakfast!)

sleeping in (that is past the five am alarm)

the kid with the boots and cowboy hat who lives around the corner

getting the baristas to mix two kinds of tea for me

having a balanced budget -- hey, I can hope!

getting something, even if it is not everything on my list done

This is a little therapy for me...today was long and hard and not as productive as I would have liked, but in the end, ok... except for finding out that my cousin is in the hospital.

If you are out there, anyone, send him a good thought -- he will be having open heart surgery sometime very soon.

Fakin It

A wise woman once told me, "Fake it until you make it" in response to my troubles -- can't even remember which the troubles were.

For a long time, I wasn't quite sure what that meant ... how could I fake it if I didn't even know how to? Then, I realized that was the point. It's like my favorite line from Miracle on 34th Street (the original, of course): "I believe, I believe, it's stupid, but I believe." Sometimes you have to fake whatever you are trying to do -- as a way of trying it on or as a way of believing during a moment of weakness.

Well, mostly what I feel the need to fake is competence.

Right now I am trying to fake that I am a competent writer -- that is to say that when I have an assignment, that I can accomplish it regardless of the level of excitement or inspiration I have for said assignment.

It is not such an easy thing to do -- right now I am just trying to edit a paper I have already written -- and at that I am mostly just typing in the notes I have already written on to the paper. I was talking to a friend yesterday about the blockage -- the one that paralyzing me from doing anything at all -- not just writing.

I wish I had time to unravel all the emotional crap that is causing the blockage -- and I guess it is an acceptable use of the time I don't spend doing the actual work I am supposed to be doing, but I honestly don't have time -- or space, it would seem ... except here.

So, this is what I am pondering...

Since my cousin died, I have been really struggling with my place in the world. More truthfully, with my value, that is to say the value of my life in the world. Though I know and understand that all lives have value -- intrinsically, even those whose lives seem to be contributing the least or even depleting the world the most -- and despite that the world keeps turning and churning regardless of which life joins or departs the world. [weird sentence but the thoughts are tumbling out of me higgledy piggledy and I am going with it.] Still I spent too much time wondering, worrying, comparing. First I thought of all the things that we did differently -- I went to college, she got married and had a kid and got divorced and had two more kids.

Comparing is always a perilous endeavor -- and rarely ends well. First, I thought how much more I had accomplished with my life -- and then, I realized, to my chagrin, how much more she had accomplished just by having a family. I don't imagine that it is the only way to make an imprint on the world, but it is a most concrete way. Regardless of how her kids do in life, and I am hopeful that they will do well, they are alive. She will live on through them, one way or another. I, on the other hand, have only education and employment experience to list on my life resume. Neither of which, regardless of how prestigious it may be one day -- and that is not a given, will LIVE. Family, while always a goal, has, again, taken the back burner as I try to do this graduate school thing. (At which I am at present feeling utterly incompetent.)

Clearly there are people who would note my absence, if I were to die, from time to time -- like holidays or special days; but, the fact is, that her kids will need and miss her every day for the rest of their lives. I am not sure if that is a measure of success in life -- and I am not even sure I was measuring success, but it certainly connotes value.

The tangle doesn't seem to let up in any way -- the cords and coils continue to ravel around my throat.

Pity parties ensued ... both for my on behalf of my cousin. I know, pointless drain of emotional energy ... but it is was it is. Sometimes we just have to wallow. I would like to say that some good came out of it -- but, unfortunately, I can only identify some bad that came from it: now, I have another weapon in the self-hatred arsenal. Every time I don't do my work in a timely manner, I feel more than useless and certainly not worthy of the space I am taking up here on earth.

Thus, the feeling of incompetence... this has probably gone on long enough for today... hoping to have more cogent and interesting thoughts tomorrow.

More than 2/3 way through this btw...

blockage

I would like to understand why I can't force myself to do any of the piles of work that I have to do...

I can get a good two hours of work in or so before I just want to do ANYTHING else...

HELP...I have become completely unproductive and I can't figure out how to get my work done!

under the wire ... top of the mind

My horoscope warned me today that I would want to get some things off my chest... so I tried to hold my tongue ... and thought that I was past the danger when I decided to return a call to my mother.

Ah... the complications of family. Tense and intense is the best I can do to describe it.


Tense and awkward are my least favorite situations -- I prefer to say how I feel and feel how I feel... I don't appreciate having to hold my tongue -- either the fact that I have to or the virtue in doing it.

That is the crux of the problem ... if I could feel the virtue of it, maybe I would be better at it. Maybe I would try is I guess what I am saying.

What is wrong with truthfulness?

I think that maybe I like it when I do and not so much when others do it... but when I think back on it... of course it smarts when people tell you a truth that you didn't want to hear -- but, at least, for me, if it is someone that I trust, I do hear it -- maybe not in the moment but it doesn't run past me. The truth they speak is captured in my mind and heart and I ruminate.

It is not to say that I can rise above all the time, but I can, over time, consider and make adjustments or at least accept ...

Not sure that this is where I was planning to go when I started this post, but it is where I ended up... so goodnight to any readers that might be out there...

I am feeling good about being faithful to these daily posts ... 20 days down, 10 more to go...