friday

Today I am trying to remind myself why I thought graduate school was a good idea ... and then act accordingly.

So, for you, some pictures that made me believe I could live in New Mexico ...

outside a restaurant in Mesilla

Hatch

a small cemetery in Garfield
My grandmother's school -- perhaps the biggest motivator

dark days and then light...

I read this article today and was deeply touched by it ... not just because it is about the death of a young woman who took her own life -- in the heart of the city.

If you can, read the story. It captures the story of the end of a life but also the story of a rebirth of a city; it tells how the media doesn't tell us about the people who take their own lives -- as if not talking about it will make it not so?

It tells the story of survival -- of the author and countless others, who wait for dawn through very dark days.

I am going to post what "her mom" posted on the blog where her neighbors speculated and commiserated with this young woman and her family. It is an important statement whether it comes from her mom or not.

I wish them all whatever peace they can find -- and to those living through dark days the strength to hold on. It was not so long ago that I was living very dark days. The difference is that I have not given in to the emotion that leads to suicide for many years. I knew that I would survive ... I knew it would be painful, but I was assured the lighter side. I wish there was a way to give everyone the faith in that light. Dawn comes, it really does.

Let me tell you about the young woman who jumped from the top of the Premiere Apartment Building on the afternoon of Tuesday, November 10th, because she deserves to have her true story told. My dear daughter, 10 days from her 23rd birthday, was an Ivy League student nearing completion who grew up in Pennsylvania and Georgia earning straight A's, serving as a student government officer, participating in varsity sports, and maintaining an active social life with a lively and diverse crowd of friends from around the world. In fact, she was world-traveled herself and fluent in Spanish. She was a brilliant writer, a creative visual artist, and she had an incredible sense of humor. She was known for her fashion-forward style, her vivacity, her stellar intellect, and her intellectual and spiritual curiosity and openness. This fact will surprise everyone: She was an incredibly happy person. Even at the time of her death, she was very happy and full of life. She was not pregnant, and even though there were some stresses in her life, she was managing them normally. From the consensus of the many family members and close friends - many of whom have psychology and medical degrees - who spoke with her within the last few weeks, some less than 24 hours before the tragic event, this wonderful young woman had just begun to suffer from a first-ever manic episode that had not been diagnosed and progressed very fast. When she jumped, we have surmised that she was not intending to take her own life but rather was caught in a moment - of very sudden onset - when she lost touch with everyday reality and expected to have a different outcome from her action. Indeed she had many unrealized plans and dreams - to join the Peace Corps, to become a writer, to travel to more countries, to spend more time with her extensive extended family, and to deepen her spiritual study. If there is one thing her short but full and meaningful life proves, it is that mental illness can creep up suddenly and prove to be devastating, almost from out of nowhere. If there's one more thing her life teaches us, it is to live with gusto and love everyone around you every day. All of us, family and friends, agree that she was one of the most loving and generous spirits we have ever known, and we only hope now, after grieving this unexpected and untimely loss, to increase the measure of our own quality of living to live up to what she would have wanted for us and for everyone. Thank you for your prayers and concern, and may you take the truth to help others.

You can find the blog post with comments here. You can find a follow up article about the community's reaction here.

I am loving the Los Angeles Times every day a little more -- they are full of much of the same stupid stories but then there are gems, particularly from this gentleman and the other columnists.

Strong Connections

This morning (not actually this morning because it was so long ago that I started this post I don't really know when it was), I was doing my rounds with my favorite blogs, and Andrea's post challenged me to do something about the ugly feelings I have been having lately. I have no intention of going into the ugly here (at least not right now). Instead, I am taking up the "writing a little ode to my friend." Enjoy... and I hope that you can take out some time to remember your friends and appreciate them today, too!

Maurice and I became friends when we were in a class together. Actually we became friends after he used some IAF face to face communication tactics on me. (I don't really know if he was trained as a community organizer or if that kind of relationship building is just part of his personality.)

After class one day he told me about a volunteer project he was working on and that I was just the kind of person that he needed. He said I think you will be interested. Of course, I was. It was an intense thing to have someone that I didn't really know very well to have seen me.

There is always the chance that it was just a line that he used to get volunteers. It was certainly an approach I adopted after I joined not just his project but his organization and had to do recruiting for my own project. When I said it, it was never a line. I learned to listen more carefully to people's stories thanks to Maurice. I saw beyond many artifices and worked with folks on that project that previously I would not have had coffee with.

But back to Maurice. We became soul friends. That's the kind that don't have to see each other all the time to feel connected. We NEVER small talked. When we sat down to tea or a drink it was always straight to the heart of whatever we were thinking or feeling or dealing with.

Sometimes there was not even a need for words.

Some drama ensued the semester that I was away. I never heard about it from him. Some one else I knew tried to bring me into it and I refused. What she was saying just did not reflect the person I knew and loved.

Graduation came and we went in different directions. I to work and he to graduate school. Life's paths were completely different for us at that moment and for many years to come.

I looked for him for a bit when I moved back to California but he had already moved out of state.

Facebook once again made magic when we found each other there and then again when he announced over it that he was in San Francisco.

It had been over fifteen years since we had seen each other. But our talk that morning was as if we had only parted for a day. We had so much to catch up on and so little time. True to form we went straight to the heart of what had been going on for us in the past fifteen years.

Stopping only to look at each other in amazement and squeeze each other's hand. Wow. It is so wonderful to see you!

Being seen by Maurice is one of the most fantastic, loving experiences I have ever had.

Close connections that don't require close tending are special gifts from the universe. I am endlessly thankful.

Blessed be!

scheduling

I am looking at the google calendar and batting my eyelashes at Thursday -- you know why? Because I don't have ANYTHING scheduled for Thursday... I mean, NOTHING .... not a thing.

I am going to do all that I can to keep it that way -- that is not to say that I don't have a million things that NEED to be done on that day -- but they are not SCHEDULED.

I often think that if I just schedule myself to within an inch of my life that I will become magically productive.

FYI -- this has yet to happen.

I need something to discipline my routine -- I need to give myself time off without compromising all that needs to get done.

I am working on it, but I really don't have any leads.

intentions

I had every intention of writing only about the wonderful, happy events that the universe throws my way ... but so far, I have been having to fight all the negativity with as much compassion as I can muster.

Starting to feel depleted and it's only noon... I will check back in later and see if I can post some good things...

wish me luck!

Update -- good things:
Physical therapy
Free light bulbs
Homemade lunch
Chai tea
A huge swath of green fallen scrunchy leaves to walk through
And then another swath of red leaves!!

success, sort of...

So, my classmate, L, and I decided to venture out beyond the university bounds (hopefully) to a new bar. New to us, that is. It was harder to figure out where to go than I would have hoped... but we did a series of internet searches and came up with what seemed the most promising place. With the reviews read and outfits picked, we headed out, hoping not to run into anyone we knew.

Well, it turns out Albuquerque is either too small to not run into someone you know -- or we need to go much farther afield. As we headed to the bar, someone (Scottie) tapped L. on the shoulder and before you knew it we were in a group of five -- and I had run into three folks from the department (though not our subfield). Turns out this guy had met L. at the cafe where she is a barista. He had overheard a conversation she was having with Marcos, a regular, in Spanish. So, he didn't really know her just had sort of met her before.

He bought us a drink and was deep into telling us how great it is to make new friends when you've only been in town for ten days and don't know anyone -- when up walk three people who he was there to meet. Uh huh. I tabled my suspicions because they seemed like a harmless bunch.

Jesse, Michael and Andrea (I don't know them, so I don't need to hide their identities ... yet), are all residents at the university hospital. Don't know how Scottie (not sure how he spells his name, but I am going with this one) knows the docs but he was obviously there to see the woman - who was none too pleased to see him talking to two other women when she got there -- then, again, she did bring two chaperons. Ah... the joys of dating. For her, that is, not me.

In any case, we found a table and started talking and laughing and getting dripped on either by the water leaking through the sky lights (my guess) or the drip irrigation system for the plants (their explanation). Eventually we were at the pool tables and it was last call and L and I decided that no Saturday night would be complete without tequila shots.

Um... several hours and a few adventures later, I was getting L off the floor of the bathroom at the docs' apartment and taking her home... I was the least drunk so I drove L's car. It was an excellent night all in all -- I didn't really think I could stay out until 4am anymore.

waiting for the snow

While I wait for the snow that's supposed to grace us... I am dreaming of the beach... come Thanksgiving, I will be making a little pilgrimage to the beach.

falling leaves

I have been blissfully walking through crunchy fallen leaves, taking in the beautiful colors of those leaves getting ready to fall, and even enjoying the crispness of the air.

Not surpring, you wonder, for the time of the year.

For me, it is. For so long, falling leaves have lived in my mind as the harbinger of bitter cold.

You could say I just don't know better since I am in a new state and really have no idea what the winter has in store for me.

Well, all that is true.

And there is snow forecast for this weekend. And we dis have our first snow, and not flurries, on October 29th.

It was beautiful though. And it melted in hours.

For now I am in enjoyment mode. Hope it lasts.

Mirrors and Friends and Other Complications

A couple of weekends ago I had the opportunity to spend some time with my friends and found family in Oakland. I have been licking my wounds for the past month, so I needed some time in the understanding circle that helped me through my divorce and recreating and rehabilitating of my self afterwards.

I have been gifted by the universe by so many wonderful women as my friends. Some have endured through the turmoil and others passed through on their own journeys.

I am continually surprised by the mirrors our friends are... that is to say, that sometimes we see ourselves reflected in their reactions to us ... not always as we might expect, I would add. Actually, I have an odd relationship with mirrors. For one thing, I haven't owned a full length mirror in over 7 years. I have managed with just whatever was installed in the bathroom. Still am ... so, you could say I have a distorted view of myself from the mirror.

I am fairly sure that the distorted view is not just from the mirror ... I see or experience myself very differently than others do. I expect that my friends will understand more than I say and see more than I show. It is an unrealistic expectation even from your closest friends. However, after the shock of realizing that my actions or words or both have been misunderstood by someone I consider a close friend ... I realize what a gift that is.

It's a gift because when a friend makes an observation that's hard to take, we don't reject it out of hand. Because we have developed a relationship with that person, we are inclined to believe that the comment or observation or interpretation is deserved or at least well meaning. That forces me to consider it ... to ponder how she got there and to review my own actions and words and behavior in general.

The mirror image I got in Oakland was not flattering... they saw negativity, judgemental behavior and a desire to wallow rather than to fix.

Let's just say, it wasn't the kind of love I was expecting... and for half a minute, I was truly disappointed -- and then I stepped back and tried to see what they saw.

I saw it alright... I am allowing myself to feel and be however I need to be ... but it made me realize that I need to make sure I am taking care of my needs so that I don't end up expressing a person who I don't want to be or see myself being ...

I need more silver linings and more optimism even when I am feeling frustrated and disappointed and like I am not getting what I want and/or need... and the only way I know to do that is to be gentle with myself (first and foremost though this may sound counter intuitive) and then to not hold in the negative -- it comes out regardless of what you do, so you might as well find a way to get it out -- writing -- like this or taking a walk ... or putting the music in my ears even though I don't like to be so cut off from the world. I noticed that just having the music made me feel more grounded ... I could locate the song that expressed just the right self-indulgent emotion and play it over and over if I wanted to... a lot of that has led me back to salsa and more fun music.

There is no pretending that everything is fine when it is not -- but taking that out on the people who love you most is just abusive behavior ... so, feeling, living, practicing compassion with myself and others and using the music to soothe the savage beast.

And...trying to remember my little universe prayer:

May I acknowledge abundance. (It's everywhere.)
May I embrace my gifts and talents.
May I allow love to flow to and from me.
May I feel strong and beautiful.

out of steam

I was feeling pretty good about how easy it has been to post something up every day.... and today I hit the brick wall. It's like I imagine it would be if I ran full marathons instead of half marathons and I had just reached mile 20 -- with only 6 miles looming ahead, well, the little engine feels out of steam just as I am reaching the last hill.

Ah... ok, that was a little more dramatic than it needed to be. As I told a classmate today, "que exagerado!"

So, it's Wednesday -- a day I barely make it to and through each week -- need to work on getting things done earlier, I know, I know... and it's Veteran's Day.

I should be more inspired. But I am just exhausted.

I have been simmering on a few posts that are in my draft folder... I promise to get right back on them tomorrow.

hmmm

I am buried under tons of reading and papers that will not write themselves -- no matter how much I cajole them.

So, this is it for tonight... my list of to do's before my head can hit the pillow (note the hour)

Read and analyze and prepare a presentation for class tomorrow on this.

Proof read the exam I am supposed to give to students on Thursday and Friday; note I only had to write 15 prospective items for this test -- last time only two of mine made it in there.... and too many errors made it in as well -- so I am putting my serious proof reader hat on for this.

If I have time .... (HAHAHAHA)
find quotes for paper that is two weeks late
read for project one
read for project two
start cleaning -- in preparation for the furniture delivery on THURSDAY -- did I mention I finally bought furniture?! no more sitting on the floor or the beach chairs for me or guests!!

there is more but why pretend that I am going to get it all (I wrote ANY but erased it) done...

I am so tired already - just thinking about it.

Also wondering if my tummy ache is stressed induced...

teeny tiny victories

I was telling my co-hort mates about a gentleman I see almost everyday on my to classes. He stands outside the retirement home - across the street - so I don't know if he lives there or in the apartments across the street. In my mind, he doesn't live there -- but he has a crush on someone over in the retirement home, so he gets up early just to sit there and wait for her to come out of the building. You see where my mind always goes.

What I do know is that I usually see him with a cigarette and a cola ... I think to myself every time I see it: breakfast for champions!

Every morning when I see him, I say good morning to him - if I happen to have my earphones in, I turn down the sound to see if he will respond. Usually he ignores me ... sometimes he coughs in my direction, but he never responds.

A classmate asked, why do you keep saying good morning to him?

I keep asking because someday I may get a break through...

So, this morning, I got what might be considered a little teeny tiny breakthrough... I said, good morning, he nodded in my direction.

I will not be giving up... stay tuned.

Secret Snacking

The other day at the farm (where I have been going to work once a week for two and half hours so that I can get my organic boxes for HALF price -- workshare option), we got to talking about trips to the supermarket with the parent who would buy you secret food.

Invariably, the secret shopper was the dad. And my fellow farm-workers told about the sugary cereal and cookies that had to be eaten in the car on the way home from the grocery store -- so mom wouldn't see.

Yeah... I loved to go to the grocery store with my dad -- because he, too, loved to buy things that my mother would have vetoed. But, our secret food was crazy shit like dried shrimp.

And we would eat that dried shrimp like it was the sweetest, most taboo treat in the world.

SUPER YUM... I suspect mostly because it was a secret and we were doing something against the rules -- not sure how I would feel about it now.

We didn't eat it in the car, though, we walked right into the kitchen, dried shrimp bag in hand, and munch away on it in front of my mom. She just did her "that's gross" look and said something in Spanish and walked away.

Funny the things that come up in the fields while you are picking yummy broccoli greens...

Neutrality

Been spending too much time trying to understand my classmates insistance on the possibility of neutrality.

So I was happy to read this in the text assigned for class:

"Knowing for me is not a neutral act, not only from the political point of view, but from the point of view of my body, my sensual body. It is full of feelings, of emotions, of tastes."
Paulo Freire
From We Make the Road by Walking
A book in dialogue with Myles Horton

There are many more nuggets in the book, but that one screamed at me

I hope my classmates were reading, too.

Morning star

Greeted or guided by the morning star, I wait for the sun and the train on the platform.

As the light spreads upward, layers of color, lighter and lighter, reach the morning star, drowning her light with the sun.

She fades into the background, ever watchful.

Hate Free Zone

There are times when I can thankful to not have cable. Today, when I heard about the shooting at fort hood. I know I would not have been able to resist the temptation to watch the endless, mindless coverage.

On a lighter note, during basketball season - so that I don't have to hear that anti laker haters go on and on.


Photos courtesy of my sister who attended playoffs two years in a row. She witnessed the opposite of hate in LA!

Soliciting for Peace ... At the library?

So I am sitting at a table at the library trying to get some reading done before class. I notice someone approaching from the corner of my eye.

It is a young Asian man with something in his hand. I have my earphones in, so hevstarts waving at me.

I don't know him.

He waves the small laminated card in front of me. It is a note asking for donations for something.

I smile and shake my head no. He walks away cheerfully. He's headed towards the next unsuspecting library patron.

I can't believe that I have just been solicited at the university library.

Who would have thought it possible?

observing, recounting and complaining

I am wondering, to myself at this point, if I need to think seriously about how I tell things -- that is the observing and recounting part of the title.

This weekend, I spent two days in Oakland with my found family -- heaven... except one part... all they heard me say they heard as complaint.

I admit that much of the first night was complaint - however, I will give the disclaimer that if you ask someone how it is going, you ought to be prepared to LISTEN to the answer however it comes out.

Some of my friends think that the most important thing they can do is SOLVE IT. So, I maintain that they are listening for things to SOLVE rather than just listening. I can name that phenomenon because I am a FIXER as well. I often hear my friends with an ear to what needs to be fixed - and because I employ the role of fixer a fair amount, I often get information from said friends as problems to be fixed.

It's an issue when you can't tell the difference.

I am willing to take responsibility for the way in which information is delivered.

I can acknowledge that I have been in a pretty bad space emotionally for several weeks -- with the death of my cousin really only compounding some of the angst I was already feeling. So it is more than possible that all I said came out in RANT and/or complaint mode.

That said, I thought I had at least some friends who could hear rant and let it just be that -- not that it would then turn into "every time I hear Anna's voice it sounds like complaint."

I am a firm believer in being open minded (though I reserve the right to make judgements, I also reserve the right to change them with the wind) and to give all people, but especially those who I love and know well, the benefit of the doubt.

Feeling a little like I wasn't getting the benefit of the doubt from some folks... not comfortable.

But, since I can only control my reactions and actions, I am trying to resolve to measure my words and tone more -- with everyone. For my own good...and for the good of the universe.

However, I feel sad about not having a place or person to go to where I can get the benefit of the doubt... apparently there really isn't anyone who KNOWS me.

HMMMM.... that's a post for another day, though.

NaBloPoMo 2009

I am not sure that it is really realistic...but I am going to try.

Using the ITouch app is making it easier for me to write little posts, so I am going to keep my fingers crossed that I am inspired enough every day to post something.

Risk It!

Your professors are not your enemies. Really, honestly. This is not an adversarial relationship.

Of course, everyone can point to the one prof who didn't wish you well. Please believe me when I say that they are not waiting for the gotcha moment.

It is not in the nature of most teachers to wish their students anything but well. Or to compete with their students.

They live for the aha moment. Though they may relish the authority, generally, they prefer the moment when you display your vulnerability and allow them to help you. They love your earnest and even frustrated questions.

Basically anytime they can gauge your true engagement with the material, their fondest dreams have been realized.

So, risk it. Ask the question, regardless of how it comes out; probe the limits of your understanding; tell them your crazy theory.

Don't be afraid. Students are meant to be searching for meaning and answers and guidance and clarification.