Ugh... I was just telling someone else who was having anxiety dreams that it is important to let it go ... whatever it is.
So, here it is, I am pulling the monster out from under the bed.
I have two days to finish my "movie," come up with a framework for discourse analysis, and draft a twenty page paper on something I am still trying to get my head around.
I have less time than that to grade all my students quizzes and online discussions ... before they give me a pile of final projects that will need to be graded by May 8th.
I need to go to the grocery store, and buy my father a birthday present and mail something to my dad and my nephew and my brother ... by Wednesday if I want them to get there on time ...
And... I need to get some work done on my proposal draft by Thursday... and make a packing list for my mother, and break it to my sister that she has to figure out how to get quickly from the airport to the train to catch the last train out of Milan to Venice... oh, and re-interview her for a paper that I already wrote, that is AWESOME as it is, by the way ... all that by Wednesday ...
Did I mention that I have a stack of things to read for all of these said paper drafts? YES...I do. MOUNDS OF READING.
All I want to do is drink wine, watch sad movies, and cry ... and eat things that are bad for me.
Did I mention that I decided that in this homestretch I would try to lose ten pounds before the trip to Europe? I did ... apparently I wasn't feeling the pressure was quite oppressive enough... I have lost a few pounds, but every day I make it to the end of the day at 1200 calories, and I am not hungry, and I am just fine ... I have an anxiety attack and shovel something else ... luckily I don't have junk at home. It could be seriously ugly.
There is more ... and all of it needs to be done by May 10th ... and somewhere in between, I need a hair cut and to pack my clothes and clean up my apartment and .... I am sure something else...
There is that job I don't get paid for, and the one that I don't get paid enough for, actually there are two of those ... and then all of the school work and the other commitments. The to do list kept spilling down the back of every page and so I stopped writing it and stopped checking things off...
I may survive, I may survive and be bald, or I might break down and actually cry at some point... if only I wasn't so tightly wound, I could have that good cry and just feel a little better ...
Instead, I am going back to work... I will breathe in and breathe out and try to do a little yoga and maybe meditate ... five minutes? ten minutes? fifteen? What gets done will get done ... and the rest will get done in its own way, I guess.
post script...
In the moment, I was wallowing and not giving myself some of the credit that was due. I had a bad day ... a terrible day that compounded the string of bad days, but I did take steps to take care of myself:
1) I took a lunch! I know it seems like such an easy thing, but yesterday I only got 30 minutes and today I took the hour ...
2) I called people ... no one picked up, but I kept calling until I got someone on the line ... I let go of some of the crap I was holding
3) I wrote this! I did feel better afterward ... seeing the monster didn't make the work go away, but I am not feeling as up against the wall as before
BABY STEPS ...
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