Being Tested?

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)

I feel as though I am being tested with all these prompts. Can you force yourself to examine your own self through that gaze of silver linings you love so much? Even the question belies the little compassion I afford myself.

I am supposed to be writing three research papers right now. Well, of course, not all at once, but at least I should be working on one, but instead, I am trying to write here.

I do believe that one of the things that makes me different, even, perhaps beautifully different, is my ability to see in, around and over. I used to call it seeing people (usually) from the inside out. I used to consider it dangerous.

Not taking people, particularly, at face value, but allowing myself to see people with my empathetic self, does make me vulnerable. This is especially true if I then engage these people from the person they may become rather than the person they are. It isn't really fair, either, to expect people to be able to reach inside and know that other self and act accordingly. But it does lend itself pretty well to giving people the benefit of the doubt.

I don't think there is a better gift you can give anyone, friend, foe or stranger, than to allow him/her to be. Since it is difficult to not judge the behavior around you, and sometimes directed towards you, it is helpful to be able to step back and say to yourself, I wonder what is making Y act like that. Or even to go further, I wonder how Y is feeling right now.

In the overtired super brain taxed state I am in right now, I have to admit that this is harder and harder to do. As the stress takes over, it makes me narrow my gaze to the point that I can almost not see other people much less feel them.

Today, for instance, I had a rough morning with a student. It could have derailed my day as the horrible meeting did on Saturday. But I gave myself permission to feel hurt and to feel her hurt and fear and anxiety, too. It doesn't excuse her behavior or make it all right. It just opens space for both of us to have feelings, hurt or otherwise.

The universe rewarded that compassion with a free chair massage. Just what I needed really ... and then the day was much more productive than I expected, though, I am still behind and badly in need of sleep.

And perhaps these real physical needs have taken me off course, but I hope you grasp my meaning. I am claiming the talent of the silver lining, of seeing people with my heart, and of giving compassion at difficult times. Never perfectly, but still beautifully whenever it is possible.

Blessed be.

[photos are meant to show perspective, taken in Santa Fe]