He Never Apologized

When I hear a love song, my mind NEVER wanders to my ex-husband. Other former loves, one in particular, but never my ex-husband. Why I cared to notice today must be because I have been thinking about how to let go of all the ugliness I do remember. Some of it is provoked by the fact that for several months, I have been trying to figure out how to ask him to send me my things without having to talk to him or tell him where I live now. I know... this shouldn't be that hard. In fact, some people have offered me a way to do it. But it is all part of piece...the letting go, the not caring, the moving on.

It's just as well that he never apologized because I don't believe in apologies. That is to say, I know they exist. If you knew me, you would know what I mean when I say "I don't believe in ..." But, you don't know me, so I will just say, I don't put a lot of stock into apologies. I am sure my ex heard me say this a million times, though that is not why he didn't apologize. I had to endure the apology jewelry, but I realized many years later that they were not really meant for me ... they were a grandstanding play for my family who didn't even know what was going on in my marriage at the time. Ah, more ugly memories...these uncovered, reconstructed memories are the worst. These are the ones that make me wish I could forget. But since forgetting is not really possible, I will take letting go.

In almost every way possible, I have moved on. I moved away almost immediately even before the divorce. And now we have been divorced almost longer than we were married, certainly longer than we lived together married. I know that there are people who never let go, moved on or otherwise, but I don't want to live there. I don't remember the good times; I don't remember if there ever were good times. Rather, I am fairly sure there were never good times. If that's not bitter, I don't know what is. That bitterness doesn't linger, but it doesn't feel like letting go. Honestly, I don't need to look back fondly on our marriage. I looked at blog he keeps recently and noted that our marriage takes up all of two lines in his "bio." The problem is that the ugliness continues to live in me. I don't really care how he is handling the divorce, mostly because I am sure he is still taking no responsibility, and I am still just the "quitter" in his mind who got out of the kitchen because it was too hot.

I don't believe in apologies because I think that it is far more important and meaningful for the person who did wrong to note the mistake and work to not make it again. When people apologize, they let go. They let go of everything ... they think it makes everything okay. But it doesn't. It is the work afterwards, the work to do a better job, the work to understand why it was wrong in the first place, the active work to not fall into the same temptation to wrong again that matters. Apologizing doesn't erase the harsh words or actions, it doesn't soothe the pain in any way for the wronged person, especially if she is holding her breath for when it will happen again. Trusting things will get better, be better, be taken care of more carefully, that is the only way to soothe the wrong. Building that trust takes work, much more than the courage to say "I'm sorry" one time and move on. So, don't apologize to me, try not to do it again. I mean really try.

I carry every word, every accusation, every insinuation he ever uttered or didn't even bother to utter, just issued my way with a look or behavior. I carry it all in my soul...that is the ugliness that I refer to. It was years before I even realized that it was there. That is to say, I felt the pain but I didn't know its origin. No apologies would fix that, but, perhaps it might have helped to dislodge those "agreements" from their status as "truth" into something more manageable like his opinion. Yes, I was willing to take all those negative things and put them in my soul, and that certainly isn't his fault. Yes, I kept them locked in there for all this time, he has no idea, so he gains nothing from it. It's up to me now to dislodge them, to confront and refute, to disown and let go. To move on.

I know what I must do, but, as is so often the case, I am not sure how to execute. Where to start?