Jake's Little Brother

I am still trying to find the right way to react to this situation, but I will try to tell you about it anyway.

Last night on my way home from work, I decided to walk from the BART instead of taking the cute shuttle -- mostly because I hadn't taken a walk at lunch, so I really needed the stretch.

I was listening to Bill Moyers on the Ipod Shuffle when a young man on a bike (on the sidewalk) lunged toward me and snatched my shuffle right from my sweater. Um... apparently that was the universe introducing me to Jake's little brother.

I would like to say that in my zen like meditative mode I wished him well and hoped that he needed that shuffle more than me.

That was not the case... I yelled "asshole" at him not really fully realizing that he had not just grabbed at me but had actually stolen my shuffle.

I thought seriously about chasing after him. I kicked myself (metaphorically) in the butt for not having stuck my foot in his bike wheel.

I took out my phone and contemplated calling the police, but decided that him snatching my shuffle didn't really rise to the 911 occasion but didn't have the regular police dept number in my phone. Remember when I did carry that kind of info with me? I decided that I didn't have time to hear a lecture on why I should just give up anything and not fight back and by the way I will never get it back --- basically, I knew that they would say get over it. I wanted my shuffle back -- that was the bottom line but it would not be worth a trip to the police department for me or for Jake's little brother, either.

I wished some large guy from the martial arts place had witnessed it and ran after the guy -- I even contemplated asking a random stranger to drive me that way to see if I could find the little punk.

I warned a young woman on a bike to be careful. She requested that I report the incident to the police.

I was angry. And frustrated. And helpless and small and defenseless. And humiliated?! What a crazy bunch of emotions over an incident that didn't even threaten my safety.

So, I just kept walking home -- and as I walked home I tried to imagine a situation where I could justify buying myself a new shuffle -- or whether or not this was the universe trying to remind me that I didn't want to be one of those people who lives under the headphones.... and I thought about whether or not this would keep me from running this weekend -- yeah, who am I kidding? I had the shuffle all week and I didn't go running!

I made myself dinner, congratulated myself for having gotten that extra mile of walking in, washed dishes and ate a pomegranate as a treat -- slowly peeling the fruit to reveal all the precious jewels -- collecting them in one place until they were all removed from their precious treasure chest and then eating every last one!

And at the end of that I was still upset -- but now I was thinking about what it means to look like a victim -- how does someone decide that you can be victimized and was Jake's little brother worried or anxious -- did his heart beat fast or was he sure I would pose no threat?

And what, if anything, will this mean for my life, now -- would I not walk home from the BART anymore? Would I feel less safe in my neighborhood? Is this the incident that will finally make me feel old and lonely?

I don't know the answer to any of these questions -- but having gone through all the emotions was useful -- as a way of letting them go and not letting them hurt me from the inside.

Today is a new day -- that will be filled with WINE and CHAMPAGNE and yummy food -- the wine country awaits -- I hope that Jake's little brother will listen to This American Life on my shuffle before he erases my fingerprint on that little machine.