resolutions

Not really into resolutions... in fact the new year came and went without much notice... I was in a different country, and it was as if it didn't really happen. Though I have to say, I didn't mind missing all those year end wrap ups and reruns... and the countdown and the countless resolutions.

I think I started re-ordering my life, priorities, perspective at no particular time without thinking about whether these decisions were resolutions.

Here's what I have in my mind as I look back at the last six months or so...

I pledge to accept people as they are. Or else, let them go out of my life. It wasn't an easy decision to live, especially with my family and others who are very close to me. Some people had to be cut out; some surgically and others just changed in status from very close to somewhat close to just acquaintances. Mostly, though, it has allowed me to step back and really see the people I care about most deeply in a much more loving and compassionate light. It doesn't make their "faults" any more palatable, or mine either, I guess; but it does help me to put these pieces of their personalities into perspective. I have learned more about these loved ones, some who I have known all my life, in the past few months because I see them more clearly. I fall off the wagon sometimes, but I think I feel the benefits of this "resolution" so keenly that it helps me to keep on track.

I am trying to give myself time and space to deal with life. This involves various "resolutions" that I sometimes keep and sometimes don't. Reading the paper at the cafe on Saturdays and Sundays gets me out in the world and sometimes leads to writing in the journal or meeting new people or just connecting to the world around me. Making plans with friends, and keeping them. I bought a small backpack to replace the ratty backpack I have been lugging around. Work does not fit into this little backpack. It was perfect for the trip, but more important now that I am back. I need to leave work on the desk and be productive while I am at work and be productive with life when I am not at work. Waiting to find the "perfect" backpack was just the ticket.

The hardest of these life decisions, by far, is being easier on myself. I have given myself permission to stop trying to be perfect and consequently resolved to not punish myself every time I am not perfect. I try to quell the demons when I feel bad before it gets out of control. I try to feel the sadness and pain before it threatens to take over my life. I try to trust myself in social situations, but not to castigate myself if I don't behave the way I would like. There is a lot here... not all of it known. I say try because I am not sure how successful I have been or will be or when I will feel accomplished with this one. I haven't gotten to the really believing in myself and then loving all the pieces. I am hopeful it will come in time.

The physical activity resolution is languishing at the side right now... but before I know it, the marathon training will be upon me. I want to do yoga three times a week and run at least 2 times a week, but I haven't found the emotional energy to be true to that just yet. It may be just around the corner.